Have a laugh...again.

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  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A premier football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

    Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!

    Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, am I in the team on Boxing day?"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “if I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it & pour it into the river.”

    Then with even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it & pour it into the river.”

    And finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said; “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” Sermon completed, he then sat down.
    Then the Choir Director stood up & announced; “Let us sing Hymn 345;
    "Shall We Gather at the River.”
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Three men were found guilty of being spies, so they going face death by a firing squad, as the troops get ready to shoot, one of the guys points behind them and says "Tornado!!!!!!!!!!!", the troops turn and look, the guy makes a break and escapes!!
    they turn back and notice he's gone and a guard goes after him.
    they go to shoot again, the second guy shouts "Tidal Wave!!!!!!!!"
    they turn and look again, the second guy escapes as well.
    Now the firing squad is really pissed.
    They take aim and the last guy points and yells "Fire!!!!!"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    These are sentences were actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow, Scotland.



    1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.



    2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.



    3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.



    4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.



    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.



    6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.



    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.



    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.



    9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.



    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.



    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.



    12. She is numb from her toes down.



    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.



    14. The skin was moist and dry.



    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.



    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.



    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.



    18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.



    19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.



    20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.



    But Wait! There's more.............



    The last few:



    21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.



    22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.



    23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.



    24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.



    25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.



    26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.



    27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.



    28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel.



    29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.



    30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.



    31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.



    32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.



    33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A friend and I were standing in line at a McDonalds fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

    There was a big sign posted. "No notes larger than £20 will be accepted."

    The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a note larger than £20, I wouldn't be eating here."
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    What My Mother Taught Me

    My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

    My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

    My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

    My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

    My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

    My mother taught me HUMOUR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

    My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"

    My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

    My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

    My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

    My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

    And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard d. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
    James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn t possibly do it, she would kill me!!"

    "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

    "Oh really, I can t," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"

    The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

    The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn t be here, my husband will be home soon!"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00


    --- .


    Scroll slowly so you don't see the answers until you guess.



    At the end of this message, you will be asked a question. Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it. Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.


    This is a fun 'test'.. Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percent age as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the 'test.'


    Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.
    You'll be surprised.


    Start: How much is: 15 + 6











    21










    3 + 56








    59







    89 + 2






























    91







    12 + 53



















    65







    75 + 26

























    101





    25 + 52









































    77







    63 + 32



























    95







    I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over ...





    Come on, one more! ...















    123 + 5



























    128













    QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!

























    Scroll further to the bottom ...
































    A bit more ...

































    You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?





    If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.



    98% of the folks answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.



    If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.



    Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98%, or the 2%, and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you
    .
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

    "Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"

    "Hang on, Sister," spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?"

    "Very well," said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!"

    "OK," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

    "I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"

    "My God," said the barman, "that nun's not outside again is she?" :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I was visiting France, and while in Paris I decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, all of a sudden I spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor.

    So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, I could hear him calling up the bell tower:
    "Quazimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!"

    When the guide returned, he apologised again, and when we asked him about the sandwiches, he said: "Don't worry about it... it's just the Lunchpack of Notredame."
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A blonde goes to a pet store and ask one of the workers if she can buy a mouse there, the worker said "yes" and sold her one.
    The next day the blonde comes back to return her mouse she just bought and get a different one from the same worker.
    The worker says, "okay?" later she comes back again for a different mouse again, then again, and again.
    The worker had enough of this and asks her, "Why do keep buying these mice and then returning them?"
    Blonde says "None of them seem to be making my computer's arrow move"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are on top of a burning building, There's a group a people at the bottom with a net and they tell the redhead to jump. She jumps but they move the net and she dies. Next they tell the brunette to jump.

    "I'm not jumping! I saw what you did to my friend!" she yells to them.

    "We won't move for you we swear! We like brunettes!" they say.

    So she jumps but, they move again and she dies. Now they tell the blonde to jump.

    " I saw what you did to them but I'll jump down! But first you guys have to put the net down and back away!"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

    Customer: "Ok."

    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

    Customer: "No."

    Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

    Customer: "No."

    Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

    Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
    :D
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 30,087
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Very good Ron!!

    Only I got a red trowel.....

    been in the garden :wink:

    Love

    toni xx
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Toni, I've missed you on Angels recently, I guess you've spent a lot of time outside in the sunshine.

    Ron
    xxx
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 30,087
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    rondetto wrote:
    Hi Toni, I've missed you on Angels recently, I guess you've spent a lot of time outside in the sunshine.

    Ron
    xxx

    Hi ron

    I did over the weekend, but had a couple of jabs in rt hip yesterday so 'resting' now :wink:

    been on this morning though - needed my fix :wink:

    Love

    Toni xx

    Hope this is all being done on the new laptop then :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Yep, I'm still getting used to it, but it is a lot faster now, here's a cracker:

    A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

    "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess i`ll need a double room for the night"

    Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over £3000. "What`s the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I`ve only been here one night!"

    "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks,"
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    As I walked past the fridge yesterday, I thought I heard an onion singing a 'Bee Gees' song...

    However, when I opened the fridge door, I discovered that it was just a 'Chive Talking'..
    :D
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 30,087
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh Ron!!! a065.gif
    Now I'm going to sing that all day :roll:

    Love

    Toni xx
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Me too :D
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    rondetto wrote:
    As I walked past the fridge yesterday, I thought I heard an onion singing a 'Bee Gees' song...

    However, when I opened the fridge door, I discovered that it was just a 'Chive Talking'..
    :D
    Oh I love it..... :lol::lol:
    Love
    Barbara
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks Babs, here's one that makes you think about old age.


    No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
    With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

    We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £49.23 per night. That leaves £138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc ..... Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

    £5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

    To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

    For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

    It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn , or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
    T V broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

    The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

    And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
    The grand kids can use the pool.
    What more can you ask for?
    :D
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 30,087
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Now Ron....

    it is a fair way off for me....

    but certainly worth a look!!!

    Amazing!!

    Love

    Toni xx
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    These care homes are expensive, makes you wonder If it's cheaper to stay in a hotel doesn't it? :D

    xxx
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,540
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I was scheduled to fly from Manchester to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.
    “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.
    I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
    He looked at me very carefully and asked:
    “Does you get along with her?”
    :D