Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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Holiday inn...mm..might give um a ring....we have a friend that lives in an hotel in Bournemouth...she loves it
Love
Barbara0 -
I've been thinking....again.
Why English is so hard to learn:
We'll begin with a box, the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went into town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote
another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Vote for Cameron."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. 0 -
A retired husband and wife in their 60s were dining at an expensive restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman in her late 20s came over, gave the husband a big kiss, and told him that she would meet with him later.
His wife glared at him and demanded to know, "Who is that?"
"What's the big deal," replied the husband. "That's my mistress."
"Your mistress!" snapped the wife. "I want a divorce and I want it now!"
"No problem," said the husband. "Just keep in mind that I have arranged that everything that I own is protected in an international corporate trust. You can sue me in divorce court but you will get very little — if anything at all."
"What this means," continued the husband, "is that there will be no more shopping trips to Paris for you, no more wintering in the Carribean and South America, no Mercedes for you to drive, and no more country club where the rich and sophisticated hang out. The decision is up to you."
Just then the wife noticed one of the couple's neighbors from the ritzy area where they lived. "Who's that young woman with Bill Richards?" asked the wife.
"That's Bill's mistress," answered the husband.
"Ours is much prettier," declared the wife proudly.0 -
A young lad, about 14 years old has been absolutely crazy about tractors. He has read books about them, covered his room in posters and visited every country fair he could get to.
One evening he comes home from school, goes to his room and after a while comes downstairs with his arms full of books and posters. "What are you doing,son?", asks his mother. "I'm fed up with tractors", he explains, "I'm into The Spice Girls Now". "Oh well! He's growing up", thought his mother.
A few weeks later the lad is coming home from school when he sees smoke coming out of a house down the road. He runs to the house and outside is a distraught woman. "My baby is in there!"she sreams. "Don't worry, I'll get your baby out." shouts the lad and dives into the flames and the billowing black smoke. After a few seconds he runs out of the house with the baby in his arms . "There you are he says, the baby is O.K." "How did you manage in all that smoke, you're not even coughing?" asked the delighted mother. "It's nothing," replied the lad, "Smoke doesn't worry me, I'm an ex-tractor fan!!!!" 0 -
Three men were found guilty of being spies, so they going face death by a firing squad, as the troops get ready to shoot, one of the guys points behind them and says "Tornado!!!!!!!!!!!", the troops turn and look, the guy makes a break and escapes!!
they turn back and notice he's gone and a guard goes after him.
they go to shoot again, the second guy shouts "Tidal Wave!!!!!!!!"
they turn and look again, the second guy escapes as well.
Now the firing squad is really pissed.
They take aim and the last guy points and yells "Fire!!!!!" 0 -
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria".
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of poo.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
Cheers ! ! ! 0 -
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'
Archie nods approvingly.
'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.
'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'
'Ach,' says Jock, 'I'd imagine she'll be in white.' 0 -
Another Alzheimer's Test
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is old cat.
This is fart cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line out aloud.0 -
His request approved, the Daily Post News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight..
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for the Daily Post' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?' 0 -
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you. 0 -
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins in Melbourne and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his
truck goes to the front door and knocks. There’s no answer..
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. “Harro!” says the Japanese man.
“G’day, mate! Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector.
“I bin on toiret,” explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
“No! no! mate, Where’s your dust bin?”
“I dust been to toiret, I toll you!” says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
“Listen,” says the collector. “You’re misunderstanding me. Where’s your wheelie bin?’”
“OK, OK.” replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector’s ear:
“I wheelie bin having it off wirra wife’s sista!” 0 -
Now Ron
That poor pillock in the firing line
Love Toni xxx0 -
When are you off to the Cotswolds Toni? Have a good time If I don't see you on till next week.
Ron
xxx0 -
Quotes from Bob Hope.
ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill'.
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact . I don't feel anything until noon. Then . it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN .
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter .. on a technicality..'
Give me a sense of humor. Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life.
Thanks for the memories 0 -
The Three Bears:
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'Good Grief, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the blinking dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!’ 0 -
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog :shock:0 -
Two interesting years
Interesting year 1981
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes
The pope died
Interesting year 2005
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes
The pope died
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope!!0 -
Hi Ron
Thanks for those - I needed a laugh.....
failed to go away Not 100% at the mo and stayed here with daisy kitten and a whole vat-load of meds.
back to normal soon
Love
Toni xx0 -
Aw shame Toni. We had plans for this week too, with the kids being on holiday, but now my mother in law is poorly in hospital I suppose that's out of the question now.
I hope you feel better soon.
Ron
xxx0 -
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' 0 -
Dont be worrying about me Ron
I'll be fine (as ever) I am hoping your MIL is doing ok?
Thinking of her and you all
Love
Toni xx0 -
Thanks Toni0
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.' 0 -
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy,
'Isn't that just like a blonde! We Need the height, and she gives us the length. 0
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