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Q. How do you get an Irish guy on the roof?
A. Tell him drinks are on the house.
0 -
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and
Requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the
Best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She
Was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is
Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted
To thank you for a wonderful dinner.
The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity,
Who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be....?"
....."Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk." 0 -
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish,
And throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she
Leans over too far, falls into the well,and drowns.
The guy says, "Blimey...it works." 0 -
The driver of a Mini rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of a Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Mini!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Mini says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Mini!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Mini says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Mini!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Mini says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Mini!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picks up the car, and the bed looks superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It's clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So now the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Mini, and he drives all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Mini parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out and knocks on the Mini.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocks and knocks, and eventually the Mini owner sticks his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls states arrogantly.
The driver of the Mini looks at him and says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"0 -
How this year went by for our blonde:
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years".
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.0 -
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her ti jail they decide to just drive her home. they loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your passionate"
They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm"Your passionate."
The officerswere getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven`t told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you:"your passin it." 0 -
Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but
interesting!
fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe
out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rsereechar
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!0 -
Whoa! That last one blew my mind!
Nx
PS - yes I could read it. Not as thick as I look, me0 -
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark." 0 -
One day,a Mechanical engineer,Electrical engineer,Chemical engineer,
and a computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
The car broke down.
The Mechanical engineer says"I think a rod broke."
The Chemical engineer says"The way it sputtered at the end,I don't think it's getting any gas".
The Electrical engineer says,"I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system".
All three turned to the computer engineer and said,"What do you think?"
The Computer engineer says,"I think we should all get out and get back in again." 0 -
Confisus says:
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Crowded elevator smell different to Midget.
He who eats too many prunes,sits on potty many moons.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass,make spectacle of self.
Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who drive like hell,bound to get there.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
When lady say,"no",she mean ,"maybe" when she say "maybe"
she mean"yes" but when she say "yes" she no lady.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
When man 60 marry girl 25,like buying book for someone else to read.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner. 0 -
The Taco Bell Chihuahua,a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink,when a great looking female collie comes up to them and says,"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So,the Doberman says,"I love liver and cheese".
The Collie replies,"That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says,"I hate liver and cheese."
She says,"That's not creative enough."
Finally,the Chihuahua says,"Liver alone.....cheese mine." 0 -
Paddy and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a £1 a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Paddy won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Paddy asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Paddy, "I reckon I'm going to go back to paper." 0 -
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. so she went to the coke machine and put her money in, and a coke came out so she kept putting money in it. and since it was a hot day a line had formed behind her.
finally the man behind her said, "Will you hurry up we`re all hot and thirsty!"
And the blonde turned around and said, "No way. i`m still winning." 0 -
Ron
Just wanted to sneak in here and say a big THANK YOU for all the laughs you give us on this thread this year. I always pop in here to hear your latest story.
Happy New Year to you and your family.
Take care
Chris0 -
Thanks Chris, it's good to know you're having a laugh at these, I'll carry on then.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say Sem Ting." :P0 -
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? :oops:0 -
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance 0 -
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. 0 -
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been
administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you
have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."0 -
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because, I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Lucy paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist!" 0 -
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I''ll give you £100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a £100 in notes and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put £100 into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer." 0 -
Blonde and her brunette sister, inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their bank account, then takes their last £500 down the west country to another farm where a bloke has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and tow it home."
The brunette arrives at the bloke's farm, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The bloke tells her that he can sell it for £499, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can tow it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99p a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to tow that bull back to your farm if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow." 0 -
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me £8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for £8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: £100 due for a consultation. 0 -
A London Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave 10p to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person 40p." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50p and tell him to go to Hell."0
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