Have a laugh

rondetto

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

rondetto

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!" :shock:

rondetto

The local Police chief was looking for a deputy, so Patrick – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
“Okay,” the officer drawled, “Patrick, what is 1 and 1?”
“11″ he replied.
The chief thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”
“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
He was again surprised that Patrick supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now Patrick, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Patrick looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, Patrick wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Patrick was exultant.
“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

ninakang

Mary had a little lamb
It had a touch of colic
She gave it brandy twice a day
And now it's an alcoholic

Nx

rondetto

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on
a field trip to their local police station where
they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if
it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives
want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you
keep him when you took his picture?

frogmorton

Doh!!!!
Ron!
Thanks - enjoyed as ever
Frogy x

rondetto

Thanks Froggy: How about these funny observations c/o Dave Allen.


Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

rondetto

Dispatcher : 999 " What is your emergency?" Caller: "I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner." Dispatcher: "Do you have an address?" Caller:" No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?"

rondetto

Dispatcher: "999 What's the nature of your emergency?"
Caller: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart."
Dispatcher: "Is this her first child?"
Caller: "No, This is her husband!"

rondetto

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mum died too!!!!"

rondetto

A man dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The ,man says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make £50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in my study and shoot that witch and the bloke she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this Mayfair 355821?"

rondetto

Standing at the cashpoint the other day there was an idiot standing in front of me waving his hands about whilst he stood there on one leg.

I asked what the hell he was doing, he told me he was just checking his balance.

rondetto

This one isn't naughty, it tickled me anyway:

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me £1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a quid out of their pocket.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me £10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten pound notel. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me £100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

dorcas

thanks for all the laughs rondetto! have spent the last hour reading them......fairly cheered me up at a time I really need cheering!...here's one for you that only a very brave man could repeat...



THE ORIGIN OF THE WHITE WEDDING DRESS

A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum why are wedding dresses white?

The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure'

The son thanks his mum and goes off to double check with his father:

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?

the father looks at his son in surprise and says:

SON, ALL HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES COME IN WHITE!!!!'

Irisx

joyful164

A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits Down. The owner,
walks up to him and hands him a menu.
'I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and
Order from there.'

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table And hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes.'

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and
tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.'
I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork.'
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, 'That smells great.
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.'

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the
Next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen.. He tells his wife, 'Gladys,
Rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'
Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting.

Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork
ready for you.'
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, 'Hey, I
didn't know Gladys worked here!'

Joy

rondetto

Keep em coming.

A blonde was weeding her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushes her cat, along with the tail over to Asda!

Why Asda???

HELLOOOOOOOOO

Asda is the largest retailer in the world!!!

bertyboy

thank youi realy needed a giggle this afternoon

rondetto

Thanks Bert, this is funny:

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."

rondetto

A very excited and frustrated caller to the Dell Computer Tech Support
couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on.After ensuring the computer was plugged in,the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.Her response,
"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."

The foot pedal turned out to be the mouse.

Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work.She said she unpacked the unit,plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pushed the Power Switch,
she asked..."What Power Switch?"


A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows"
The woman responded,"No,my desk is next to the door.But that is a good point.The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working just fine."

rondetto

Before Computers
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flue!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

rondetto

Tech Support:"I need you to Right-Click on the open desktop"

Customer:"OK"

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer:"No"

Tech Support: "OK.Right click again.Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer:"No"

Tech Support: "Ok sir.Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"

Customer:"Sure,you told me to write "click"

and I wrote "click".

rondetto

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,picked up a box
of Tampax and proceeded to the check out counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy,
"Son,how old are you?"

"Eight,"the boy replied.

The man continued,"Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied,"Not exactly,but they aren't for me.They are for my brother,he's four.We saw on TV that if you used these,you would be able to swim and ride a bike.He can't do either one."

rondetto

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says,"I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry sir,but our delivery truck broke down this morning.We are out of chocolate."

"In that case,"the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream".

"You don't understand sir,"the girl says."We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate",he says.

Getting angrier by the second,the girl says "Sir,will you spell VAN,
as in vanilla?"

The man says,"V-A-N."

"Now, spell STRAW,as in strawberry."

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says,"spell STINK,as in chocolate."

The man hesitates.Then he says,"There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT"S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

rondetto

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife,"Hurry up or we will be late."
"oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven`t I been telling you for the last hour that I`ll be ready in a minute?"

rondetto

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help." :shock: