Have a laugh
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I went to the Chemist to the thermometer section and purchased a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. If you go, be very sure you get this brand
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into some very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins!
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Jonson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now close your eyes and repeat out louse five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."0 -
I went to the Chemist to the thermometer section and purchased a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. If you go, be very sure you get this brand
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into some very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins!
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Jonson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now close your eyes and repeat out louse five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."0 -
Three old guys are out walking..
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars (about £1.40) and coaches (about £7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn’t turn up for work.
“Oh well”, said Bristol Zoo Management – “we’d better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant…”
“Err … no”, said the Council, “that parking lot is your responsibility.”
“Err … no”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn’t he?”
“Err … NO!” insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at (about £560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over (£7 million)!
And no one even knows his name.
Now....where can I do this? 0 -
I found this funny, though it is real.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.0 -
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a speed camera
radar near Birkenhead in Merseyside with a Fine of £160 included. Being cute, he
sent the police department a picture of £160. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs. 0 -
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES .... AND FACTS OF LIFE!!
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6.. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE YOU'LL MEET TODAY ARE LIKE SLINKIES - ABSOLUTELY USELESS. BUT REMEMBER, THEY WILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. 0 -
A married couple is driving down the motorway doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!" 0 -
A woman has twins and puts them up for adoption
One was named Amal
The other was sent to spain and was named Juan
Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his natural mother.
Upon recieving it, she tells her husband she wants a picture of amal.
Her husband replied
"If youve seen Juan, you've seen Amal" 0 -
A blonde lady car driver pulls along side a lorry and shouts to the lorry driver "you're loosing your load"
The lorry driver shouts "Go away"
A mile further on the blonde car driver again pulls along side a lorry and shouts to the lorry driver "you're loosing your load"
Again the lorry driver shouts "Go away" and carries on.
Two miles further on the blond car driver again pulls along side a lorry flashes her lights and shouts to the lorry driver "you are definitely loosing your load"
.
To which the lorry driver shouts back "Why don't you Go away idiot, I'm gritting" 0 -
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Asda greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. 0 -
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years." 0 -
I don't know why I'm doing these, I love blondes.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.0 -
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?'' 0 -
Rehab
> I wondered what the significance of the arrows and the
> Capital letters were in this.
> I thought it was a kind
>Of poem or a modern
> Sort of play of our times
> Or something profound and
> Deeply meaningful which I
> Should know about
> Well it is in a
>Funny kind of way-it's
> A parable of a marriage when
>You think about it, so perhaps
> It's better not to
> Think about it
> Too
> Deeply
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rehab44 wrote:
Correct :shock:delboy wrote:joanlawson wrote:Rehab
I wondered what the significance of the arrows and the
Cut and paste and no inclination to format the result would be my guess.
Thanks for the explanation. I did wonder why it was set out like that, but I thought it actually made it more amusing and interesting, just by a fluke of technology.0 -
Think you're having a bad day? Read on:
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in
the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut
and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for
an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down
the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her
husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled
himself with a cigarette while
attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and
dumping the husband out. He fell
down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. :shock:0 -
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" 0 -
This one makes me chuckle.It's not naughty really.
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" And on and on and
on...
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying
his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!??" 0 -
Chris
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An Irish man wanting to learn how to fly a plane signs up at a small airport and was told they only equipment available is a helicopter.
The Irish bloke thinks for a moment and says, "That's fine, I'll just learn how to pilot a helicopter." After some ground instructions the day of the solo comes and the Irish man is at the commands of the helicopter.
He goes up 1000 feet with no problem, climbs to 2000 and the instructor asks: "Is everything o.k."
The bloke responds; "Yes everything is going well." The instructor is very happy to have such a great student and decides to give him the last test, so he orders the Irish man to climb to 3500 feet, make a turn and land.
The instructor goes out to see the landing when suddenly he sees the helicopter falling down. Luckily after all that the student pilot was alive, and the instructor asked him, "What happened when everything was going so well?
The pilot replied: "It was getting cold so I turned the outside fan off." 0 -
Derrr!!!
Brilliant as usual Ron - thanks
Frogy x0 -
Thanks Frogy, and there's more:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh dear, it's Global Warming.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you idiot.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her bum
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy. 0 -
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!" 0 -
You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. 0
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