Have a laugh
Comments
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The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
*The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
*I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
*I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
*A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
*The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
*I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
*In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
*I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
*I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
*I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
*As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
*To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
*My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
*An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
*I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
*I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
*The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
*I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
*The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
*I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
*The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.0 -
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
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brillian, thank you, I really needed that.
Steph x0 -
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven (just play along). God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." 0 -
Paddy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Paddy said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Paddy what he had.. Paddy said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Paddy what he had. He said, "Shingles..." So the nurse gave Paddy a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Paddy sitting patiently in the nude and asked Paddy what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Paddy said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"0 -
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call
Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million
dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million
dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished the devil informs him that there will be no
charge for the call and to feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got
to call the USA for free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country
has gone to hell, so it's a local call." 0 -
A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner can take no more- his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting the conductor free again, he asks him his secret. "What is it with the bananas?" he asks.
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor." 0 -
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"0 -
Cop: What is your date of birth?
Suspect: What's that?
Cop: When where you born?
Suspect: Errr.... what?
Cop: When is your birthday?
Suspect: June 8th
Cop: What year?
Suspect: Every year
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo. 0 -
Acronyms for International Airlines
Italy
ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival
ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia
Britain
BOAC = Better on a camel
Belgium
SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again
Pakistan
PIA = Please, Inform Allah
Yugoslavia
JAT = Joke, About Time
Pacific Western Airlines
PWA = Pray While Aloft
PWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines 0 -
A Cheshire farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "But if it helps you any, I know that he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."0 -
MURPHY'S LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. Things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.0 -
My new spell checker:
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew. 0 -
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried,the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "you gonna try again." 0 -
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question.
Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mum's garden and flower beds and weeds out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbours to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behaviour in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if some of today's children had this kind of drug problem in the UK would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us. 0 -
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the
service, his cousin asks him: “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen!” replies the little boy.
His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up!
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!” 0 -
I was scheduled to fly from Manchester to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.
“Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked:
“Do you get along with her?” 0 -
Thanks Ron
The spell-checker one was very good
Toni x0 -
Thanks frogy 0
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Ever wondered?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diaorrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?0 -
Little Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the damn thing." 0 -
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the oppositeof progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we usethem?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travelagent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.0 -
Hi Ron
I was still getting over the spell checker but this one is a corker!!
Wish I had the nerve to do the last one at work too!! What a hoot.
Thanks
Chris0 -
Thanks Chris, glad you're enjoying them.
BEWARE OF A SCAM...................
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to get lost !
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!! 0 -
SOME ADVERTS FROM MY LOCAL PAPER:
1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8-years old. Hateful little beggar. Bites!
2. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
3. FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
4. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat.. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
5. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
6. NORDIC TRACK £300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
7. GEORGIA PEACHES Cheshire grown - 89 p/lb.(took me a minute on this one)
8. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £300.
9. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
10.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.0
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