Have a laugh

rondetto

. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

rondetto

"Doc, I can't stop singing
'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual."

rondetto

. A group of chess enthusiasts
Checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby
Discussing their recent
Tournament victories.
After about an hour,
The manager came out of the office,
And asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked,
As they moved off.
"Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts
Boasting in an open foyer."

rondetto

A woman has twins,
And gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt,
And is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family
In Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture
Of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
She tells her husband
That she wishes she
Also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
You've seen Ahmal."

rondetto

While working at a pizza parluor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

rondetto

Here are some
Comebacks to Pickup Lines I've heard recently:

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

rondetto

"Give me a sentence about a public servant, " said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. " The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means? " she asked.
"Sure, " said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child. "

rondetto

These are actual statements made on insurance claim forms:

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention"

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

rondetto

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. i'm late for an appointment, and if i don't park here i'll lose my job. forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled this block for 20 years, and if i don't give you a ticket, i'll lose my job...lead us not into temptation."

rondetto

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying BRITISH JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in BRITAIN ..

rondetto

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

rondetto

If people from Poland are called "Poles",
why aren't people from Holland called"Holes"?
Why call them apartments,when they are all stuck together?
If a pig loses its voice,is it disgruntled?
If love is blind,why is lingere so popular?
Why is the man that invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken,what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
If "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language.Could it be that"I do" is the longest sentence?
If Fed Ex and UPS merged,would they be called Fed Up?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
bald men?
If a cow laughed hard,would milk come out of her nose?

rondetto

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

rondetto

A Czech, a Russian and a German decided to come to the US to study bears.

Upon arrival they were told by the Park Ranger that on account of several bear attacks that the park was closed. However, the three persisted. The Ranger finally told them that on one condition that he would allow them in to study the bears. They would have to take a radio and were to check in with the rangers once every three days. The three agreed.

Three days went by and the three checked in. Three more days and nothing. After repeatedly attempting to contact them the Ranger decided that they would have to go search for them.

They found the deserted camp in disarray. Two bears were found in the area...a male and a female. The Rangers shot both bears.

When the coroner cut open the female bear he found the German and the Russian. Looking at the Ranger he said, "You know what this means don't you? The Czech is in the male!."

rondetto

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

frogmorton

Rehab
Groan
Ron
Groan!!!
Kep it up guys!
Love
Toni x

rondetto

And there's more:

Some more from my Tommy Cooper book.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went TPAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything"

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

rondetto

A couple was going out for the evening.The last thing they did was to put out the cat.The taxi arrived,and as the couple walked out of the house,the cat ran back inside.So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.
The wife,not wanting it known that the house would be empty,explained to the taxi driver,"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later,the husband got into the taxi and said,"Sorry it took so long,the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out."

rondetto

A man pulled up to the drive-thru window of a fast food restaurant and ordered coffee.He asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup,so he could drink the cool coffee quickly.At the drive-thru window there was a delay.Finally,the clerk came to the window looking frustrated,and announced,"I'm having problems with your coffee-the ice keeps melting!"

rondetto

There was a cat and mouse that went to heaven and they were there at the same time.The mouse approaches God's throne and God asks him,"So,how do you like it up here?"
The mouse replies,"It's nice,but could I get a pair of roller skates?"
God says,"Yes,sure!"So the mouse gets his roller skates.
The next day,the cat approaches God's throne,and the same question is directed at him.
So he answers,"It's great!I didn't know that you had meals on wheels up here!"

rondetto

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out
and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the
money?"

rondetto

Man goes to the doctor's,

says to doctor. "Doctor i think im going deaf."

Doctor says. "What are the symptoms?"

The man replies. "A funny cartoon family, with yellow heads."

frogmorton

Brilliant Ron
I couls SO tell the Tommy Cooper ones!
Ta!
Toni x

rondetto

Knock!Knock!
Who's there?
Ice Cream soda!
Ice Cream soda who?
Ice Cream soda people can hear me!

rondetto

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there... what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that`s why he was carrying the water.

A while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand,
"What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that`s why he had the bread.

Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I`ll roll down the window."