Have a laugh

rondetto

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were at the county fair.
They were about to go on the helter-skelter ride when an
Old woman stepped in front of them.

"This is a magic ride," she said. "You will land in whatever
You shout out on the way down. Is that clear?"

"I'm game for this," says the redhead and slides down the
Helter-skelter shouting "Gold!" at the top of her lungs.

Sure enough, when she hit the bottom she found herself
Surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins!

The brunette was next, and shouted "Silver!" at the top
Of her lungs. When she reached the bottom she landed
In more silver coinage than she could carry!

The blonde went last, and launching herself from the top
Of the slide, she shouted, "Weeeeeee!

rondetto

Language please!!

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The
doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some
bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood
yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your
final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her
that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he
gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same
card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the
full house and wins £1000. The National Grid comes
up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son,
I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone
win four corners, a line, the full house and the
national grid on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've
got Yellow 24."

"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the
raffle as well."

rondetto

This is just a joke, not blasphemous at all:

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’”

rondetto

A blonde was driving one night in a particularly bad snowstorm.
She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Asda parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Tesco now?"

rondetto

Six months after a French waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great beyond.

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"

A ghostly voice drifted from the corner...

"I can't. It's not my table."

rondetto

When Queen Victoria was on the throne we were called Victorians

When Queen Elizabeth came to the throne we were called Elizabethans

So what would it mean if Prince Charles came to the throne...

....would we be called Charlies??

rondetto

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want
You to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
Procedure
For 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5
Pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
Pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow
My instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I
Was going to drop dead
That 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

frogmorton

Very good Ron
Keep it up
Toni x

rondetto

A Man calls the hospital and a nurse answers the phone.

The Man said, "Send help because my wife is going into labour."

The nurse said, "Is this her first child?"

The Man replied, "No, this is her husband."

rondetto

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
And a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket
Pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the
Disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you
Know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped
"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
Alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
Apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it.
How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

rondetto

So there were 2 brunnettes and a blonde, and they were escaping from prison and they run into an abondoned farm house and see three sacks on the floor and they hide in them.
A cop comes in and tells the other cop waiting by the police car ,"There's no one here but three potato sacks on the floor."
Other cop says ,"then kick em to make sure they're not hiding in them."
So the cop kicks the sack with a brunnett in it and she yells, "meow". The cop says ,"oh it's just a stupid cat."
Then He kicks the other one with the other brunnette in it and she yells ,"bark bark".
"Oh it's just a stupid dog.£
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "Potatoes".

rondetto

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten
Together to discuss some important issues. About midway
Through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood
Up and spoke her piece.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and
Said, "What does she know about anything? I would like
To ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots
Sir, and count them yourself!"

rondetto

Two blondes were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde #2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

rondetto

Passing an office building. late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well", he snarled at the blond, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself!"

rondetto

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

rondetto

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given 3 tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who`s boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won`t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at 2 chimps with a spade, killing them both.

what can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions will eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from the south american bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion`s cage-because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says "What`s the food like here?"

The lion says "Absolutely great, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

rondetto

A woman was driving when a traffic camera flashed. She thought her picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though she knew she was not speeding. Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. She thought this was quite funny, so she slowed down even further as she drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. She tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time she was laughing when the camera flashed as she rolled past at a snail's pace..

Two weeks later, she got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

rondetto

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
The looks of your wife at all ,"
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
With the kids."

rondetto

A blonde calls Easy Jet Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
To fly from Manchester to Alicante ? "
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

rondetto

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."

margaretschild

These are brilliant, only got to page 8 keep em coming

rondetto

Thanks: And there's more:

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the drivr is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

rondetto

Granny Adams made such beautiful pies!

One day I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret", she said, "but if you promise not to Tell, I'll let you in on it."

"OK", I said. "Tell me!

"Well, first I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make Sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure that it's not too full.

Next I cut out the top layer, and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust, and they make the nicest even impression you ever did see!"

rondetto

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." :shock:

rondetto

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."