Have a laugh

rondetto

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really annoyed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

rondetto

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

rondetto

Sometimes there's not much work around. In times like these, this is often especially true for ventriloquists. One day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The older one says, "Just between you and me, I've been moonlighting lately as a medium."

The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. "Really?" he says. "I didn't know that you were psychic!"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not," confesses the older man. "But what I did was rent a storefront and bought a small round table, a crystal ball, and a turban. Then, when people come in, I throw my voice and they think that they're talking to their dead relatives."

"What a great idea!" says the young ventriloquist.

"You should try it too," suggests the first man. "You'll see, it works great."

The next day, the young man goes out, rents a little storefront, and buys a table, a crystal ball, and a turban. He opens up for business, and an hour later a middle-aged woman walks in. She sits down at the table across from the ventriloquist and asks him, "Can you put me in touch with my long-lost husband?"

"I sure can!" he answers. "Why, for just a hundred pounds, you can hear your husband speak to you from behind that curtain over there. Now I must warn you that his voice might sound a little different, but that's because he's talking to you from the spirit world."

"That's wonderful," says the woman eagerly.

"For a hundred and fifty pounds," the ventriloquist says, "you could have a two-way conversation with your husband, and talk back and forth with him."

The woman's voice rises in anticipation as she asks, "You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear departed Hubert?"

"Not only that," says the ventriloquist, getting just as excited as the woman, "but for two hundred pounds, you could actually carry on a two-way conversation with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water!"

rondetto

A man owned a small farm in Cheshire
The Cheshire Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

rondetto

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY


Artery......................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.........A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Colic............................ A sheep dog

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate..............................To live long

Enema.......................... Not a friend

Fester......................... ....Quicker than someone else

Fibula.......................... ....A small lie

Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid.......................... ...A higher offer

Nitrates....................... .....Cheaper than day rates

Node........................... .....I knew it

Outpatient..................... ...A person who has fainted

Pelvis......................... .......Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative................ A letter carrier

Recovery Room................ Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... .....Nearly killed him

Secretion...................... .....Hiding something

Seizure........................ .......Roman emperor

Tablet......................... .......A small table

Terminal Illness............... .Getting sick at the airport

Tumour.............................One plus one more

Urine.......................... .......Opposite of you're out

2 x Condoms....................To be sure, to be sure!

rondetto

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink- plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were 5p's in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were 10p's and this morning there were 20p's in the bowl! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

"You're simply going through the change"

frogmorton

Oh Very good Ron!
Thanks
Toni xx

rondetto

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

rondetto

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.

Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

rondetto

There was the story of a young Irish vicar riding his bicycle down the path between towns where he would meet an elderly priest from another parish, and they would discuss matters daily, until one day the old priest noticed the vicar walking instead of riding and asked him "What happened to your bicycle?"

The vicar explained that the bike was stolen.

"Well, then", the old priest said, "Next Sunday, do a sermon about the ten commandments and preach heavily on THOU SHALL NOT STEAL. Then you will surely get your bike back". The vicar agreed and went off.

The next week, The two met again and this time the vicar was again riding his bicycle. "See what I meant!" the Old Priest said. "The power of the Word. The Ten Commandments, and Thou Shall not steal!"

The vicar responded, "Well, not exactly, Father. I was preaching about the Ten Commandments, and I was all ready to preach heavy on 'Thou Shall Not Steal', but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, all of a sudden I remembered where me bike was!" :shock: :shock:

rondetto

An old couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone
Rang.
The husband got out of bed and went into the living room (parlor) to
Answer the phone.

His wife could hear him say, "Hello?"

Then he said,
"Sure is."

He hung up the receiver (remember those) and went back to
Bed.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and
Went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
Again and then he said, "Sure is." again. He hung up the receiver and
Went back to bed.

The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't know.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and
Went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who
It was. The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say? He said,
"It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, "Long distance from Paris."

rondetto

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross- examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever
Hear of anyone marrying a man?"
```And the witness said meekly, "Well my sister did."

rondetto

A guy is dating this girl. Her cat is always on the couch and he doesn't like it. One day while the girl is at work he drives the cat 5 miles away and lets the cat out. '
He drives back to her house and when he gets there he finds the cat sitting on the couch.
The next day when she is at work the gey takes the cat drives 10 miles and lets the cat out. When he gets back to the house there's the cat on the couch.
The next day he takes the cat gets in his car drives 20 miles away making sure to take backroads, alleys, and even driving in circles. He throws the cat out of the car and speeds away.
He calls his girlfriend and asks if the cat is there. She says: "Yes, he's here on the couch."
He says: "Good, put him on the phone, I need directions back home."

rondetto

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

rondetto

The drinkers poem:

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

rondetto

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Everglades. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll be lucky and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

frogmorton

Hi Ron!!!

Very good as usual

I loved the boozy poem

Love

Froggy xx

ninakang

I tried reading the Three Wise Men one out loud to someone and couldn't read the punchline for laughing so much - I had to email it to her instead!

Nx

rondetto

Thanks Froggy and Nina, glad you're having a smile.

bertyboy

oh i needed that

rondetto

Paddy was Belfast's star linesman. He was great at football, but not at academics. The referee was letting it slide until one day he decided that Paddy's grades HAD to be better.
He decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem. Everyone wanted to support Paddy out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see.
His math teacher went out to the centre of the field with Paddy. It was test time. The stands was packed with Paddy's mates and half the people of Northern Ireland.
The teacher said, ''Ok, Paddy. What is six plus three?''

Paddy sat and thought. Then he said, ''nine,'' confidently.

But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, ''Aw, c'mon. Give him another chance!''

rondetto

A man suffered a serious heart attack & had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. she asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice; "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He repied; "No money in the bank."

The nun asked; "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said; "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated & announced loudly; "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to god..,"

The patient replied; "Well, in that case... send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

rondetto

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said,
"give him the dog."

rondetto

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

rondetto

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.