Have a laugh
Comments
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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Belfast.
The Irish girl replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?" 0
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
when asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." 0 -
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "you should do it because you get up first, and then the we don`t have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "you are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can`t believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible,
opened the New Testament,
and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says: "HEBREWS" 0 -
Breaking news from the Winter Olympics in Vancouver:
The Irish Bobsleigh team will not take part until the downhill course has been gritted. 0 -
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs £100,000!'
The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back £150,000!' 'Okay,' said the old man, "What about the third heart?"
''Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for £500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?''Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to Adolf Hitler.. so it was never used!'0 -
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don`t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. ....
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so i would be attracted to you!" 0 -
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man`s 15,000
The wife replied,
"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" 0 -
Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.
Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.
The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.
So he quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar." The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!" 0 -
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'" 0 -
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW
i'm again speechless
n a a0 -
These are actual notes taken from NHS doctors:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
GOD BLESS THE NHS0 -
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation." 0 -
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!" 0 -
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Birkenhead, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?" 0 -
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the Kempton park racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow." 0 -
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. 0 -
Cheers Ron
Excellent as usual
Loved the colonsocopy ones..... :shock: :oops:
Toni xx0 -
Thanks Toni:
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?" 0 -
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab. 0 -
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 0 -
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free.... you either married it or gave birth to it. 0 -
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error..
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late." 0 -
Here are a few things to think about while you are sitting there
Can you cry under water ?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated.. instead of just murdered ?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts ?" Where's that extra penny going to ?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity ?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What SORT OF disease did THE cured ham actually have ?
How is it that we put A man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like.... every two hours ?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing ?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground ?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change ? They're going to see you stark naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural ?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid, DIPPY song about him ?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a SMALL hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? aren't they both dogs ??
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner..?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from...?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
Does the
Alphabet song
and
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
Why ON EARTH did you just try singing OR HUMMING the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your bum?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?0 -
Paddy and Mick are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Paddy says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Mick spits,sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over - - - - women like that are hard to find.' 0
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