Have a laugh...again.
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Yorkshire Jokes ( to be read with a Yorkshire accent)
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
***
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
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A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".
Joan, ( a Yorkshire lass
) 
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Hey Joan that takes me back, my mom was a Yorkshire lass to
love Sue xx0 -
Hi Sue
I KNEW there was something superior about you :!:
Joan0 -
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?” The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?” The man, not wanting to g et the blame, said, “No.” The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”0 -
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting further away from the paint can.” 0
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Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place. 0 -
A blonde went to the doctors with 2 burnt ears, when the doctor asked her what had happened, she said"The phone rang and i picked up the iron by mistake"
he asked"But what happened to the other one? "
she replied "They rang back" 0 -
Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favourite Aunt 0 -
Two Priest decided to go to Hawaii on holiday, they were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy,
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "Drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking streight towards them. They couldn`t help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good morning, Father~Good morning Father."nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
they were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were Priest?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new outfits they settled down in their beach chairs enjoying the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking towards them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father~Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priest couldn`t stand it any longer and said,"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are Priest and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are Priest, dressed as we are?"
She replied,
"Father, it`s me, Sister Kathleen."0 -
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”
Edna replied “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?” 0 -
Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?” “Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.” 0
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A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now they were getting on in years and neither of them had ever been married.
Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, “June.”
“Yes, this is June.”
“Will you marry me?”
“Of course I will! Er...excuse me but who’s this?” 0 -
A psychiatrist visited a London mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”
He got the following reply. “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my r\nstepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!” :shock:0 -
Oldies but goodies eh Ron??
Thanks
Love
toni xx0 -
That could sum me up Toni. 0
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops! 0 -
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." 0 -
A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!
Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, am I in the team on Boxing day?" :shock:0 -
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. 0
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The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that
would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I
asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put
the tray up, Madam." 0 -
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
Taking off his hat he said "Pleased to finally meet you sir," "I married your sister." 0 -
Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home. 0 -
hi ron i just love those i wish i could make jokes up like that,
you have to right a book with them all insylvia
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Good idea Sylvia, i'll look into that. 0
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Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck
slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the
little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into
hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other
carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me
Doc, how is he?" The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and
some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is
we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life." 0
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