Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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Aw bless.
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The football coach stormed into the team president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the team President, “you already make more than the entire team.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a player who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the player returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”0 -
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
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During the course of a heated softball tournament, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship.
The coach asked the player if he knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was.
The player replied, “Yes.”
The coach then asked him if he knew he shouldn’t curse at the umpire or throw things in anger.
The player again replied “Yes.”
“Good,” said the coach, “now could you please go tell your wife.” 0 -
Jodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the oak tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde."
Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the £10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" 0 -
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose." 0 -
A farm boy accidentally overturned his tractor full of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the tractor up later.”
“That's mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don't think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won't like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don't be foolish!” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the tractor.” 0 -
During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said “you are all wrong, the army is now your home”. Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say “you bet I do” the sergeant replied, “men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? At home?" 0
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As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He d just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs,” snickered one: “You didn’t really do that, did you?” “I m positive you d never get through basic training” scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?” 0 -
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Little Johnny.”
“Good morning, Father,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
“Father Scott, what is this?” Little Johnny asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?” 0 -
Doh Ron!!!!
Thanks
Love
Toni xx0 -
ooh you are awful....but I like you. 0
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0
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Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." :P0 -
* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
* Witness: "July 15th."
* Lawyer: "What year?"
* Witness: "Every year." 0 -
A blonde's car gets a flat tyre on the motorway one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the Blonde, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied. 0 -
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.
“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.” 0 -
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing £50.00. “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for £30.00.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny £15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror. 0 -
A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
Along the way. The flight attendant explained that
There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
In 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
Blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and
Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
Throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
With a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!0 -
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
'You gonna try again."0 -
A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.
Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, “Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?”
The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but I strongly suspect its his parents.” 0 -
A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”
“Oh…he is breast fed!”, replied the woman.
“Well then, strip down to your waist,” orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, “No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!”
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds, “Well of course I don’t, I’m his Grandmother!”0 -
A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!” 0 -
These are all taken from real court cases:
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.0 -
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, “I dont recognize this court!”
“Why?” asked the Judge.
“Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.” 0
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