Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
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Ok, so we're all getting older, here's the sign to look for:
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important :P0 -
little boy said to his mother : " mommy, mommy, don't want to go
europe ! "
mommy said to him ; " shut up, keep swimming ! "
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a father told his son : " if you break your leg, don't come running to me ! "
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little boy said :" mommy, mommy, daddy is on fire ! "
the mother said " quickly get the marshmallows ! "0 -
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I m going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, What’s you re name?” “Sam,” the cowboy moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied…. “The balcony.” :P0 -
Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."0 -
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 pence a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read Fred Brown died .”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries.
The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, Fred Brown died: 1983 mini for sale .” 0 -
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place”. 0
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A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. “When you and I get out of here,” the jailbird said to the fly. “we re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.” Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. “What about this fly, eh?” he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. “Glad you saw it,” muttered the bartender. “Blasted things are everywhere.” 0 -
Thanks again Ron
BarbaraxLove
Barbara0 -
Hi Babs. :P0
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Usual good bunch Ron - thanks
Love
Toni xx0 -
Hi Toni, thanks. :P0
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One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge. 0 -
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."0 -
Who said church ain't fun?
In the middle of a pastor's sermon, a man stood up and walked outside. After the service, the pastor approached the wife of the man who walked outside and asked her "Did I say something that offended your husband?" the wife answered "No, he's just sleepwalking."
A pastor asked, “Who among you here have enemies?” Then the crowd all raised their hands except for one old lady. Then the people around her was amazed and told her "wow, you're very lucky for having no enemies." The old lady replied, "Yes, because the buggers are all dead."
A pastor baptized seven people today. But lost two of them in the current!
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”
A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"
“Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway.”
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon." She asked "Well then, how come He doesn't do it?"
It seems there was this minister who just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...and I couldn't stop talking. 0 -
A woman was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space.
Nothing. - - -Then she noticed a couple walking ahead of her.
Hopefully, she asked, "Going out?'
"No," said the man. "Just friends." 0 -
Thanks Ron.. usual high standard ..!
Marion0 -
Hiya Marion, thanks. 0
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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father." 0 -
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, “You can have this rooster. His name’s Roy. He ll get all your hens pregnant. He’s a real stud.”
So the farmer takes him home and says, “It’s your first day so take it slow, okay?” The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, “Roy, did you have to die?” Roy says, “Quiet! They re about to land!” 0 -
Hi Ron
Love all the jokes :!:
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Joan 
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He he!! I love it Joan. 0
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I liked this one
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little ****. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ****, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Sue0 -
And this one
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I
get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a
lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's
reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and
ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She
exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he
can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an
open fire...."0 -
Keep em' coming, they're great.0
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