Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said, “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined £100.”
The lawyer stood up and said, “Thank you, your honor. My client only has £75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd…”
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In a huge gymnasium, a woman who is sitting in chair and she has three suiters, who wants to marry her !
The woman told the three suiters, i will marry one of you ! But first any one of you can bring me here, as many ping-pong balls, you can , i will marry you !
I wait for you, as long it take !
Three years later, the first suiter comes back with 5,000 ping-pong balls !
Five years later, the second suiter comes back with one million ping-pong balls!
5 years go by, another 5 years go by, and the lady doesn't know where the three suiter is ?
It's then 20 years years until the third suiter comes into the gymnasium, a truck with a flat platform attach to it. on the platform, it had the two huge balls that greasy and hairy on them, they are as tall as the ceiling !
The lady said to third suiter:" i told you that i want as many ping-pong balls, you can get ! " then the third suiter almost fainedt, and he finally said to her:
" Oh my God, i thought you said king kong's balls ! " 0 -
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello." said the little boy
"Hi." replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home." answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road." replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill." replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive." said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet." replied the little boy.
"I'll tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea" replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!" 0 -
Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face. “Where have you been?” demanded the worried look out. “The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn’t find the soap and a towel.” 0
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Cricketer takes a bad fall and dislocates his shoulder. Taken to hospital, there's a fair bit of noise as nurse tries to relocate it.
"Come on, now. There's a woman down the hall has just given birth to a nine pound baby, and she didn't make half the fuss you are."
"That's as may be, but you try putting it back and see how loud she gets!" 0 -
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" 0 -
Reading an Irish Dictionary.
Artery.......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die.
Benign........................ ..What you be after you be eight.
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome ..
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic........................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema........................... Not a friend.
Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................ A small lie.
Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain...Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis.......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
Tablet.......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness................ Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour...............One plus one more.
Urine......... Opposite of you're out.
2xCondoms.......................To be sure, to be sure 0 -
English Signs around the World!
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ****?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. 0 -
A Duck walks into a bar. Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?Barman: We don't have any damn bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any bread once more I'm gonna nail your bill to this bar..................
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: Good You got any bread?0 -
I love these:
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER 0 -
I like to have a laugh when I feel low. 0
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a European, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong 0 -
Thanks again Ron...you cheer us all up
Barbara xxLove
Barbara0 -
Aw bless you.
xxx0 -
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.” 0
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Q. “I hear Murphy died, ” said Pat. “Was he ill long?”
A. “No,” said Mick. “He died in the best of health.”
Q. “O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife Bridget’s appearance?”
A. “It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”
Q. “Well, Mike,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.”
A. “Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mike. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
Q. A severe storm rumbled through Carlow last week and destroyed the entire town:
A. £10 worth of damage was reported.
Q. An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
A. “Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
Q. Definition of an Irish husband?
A. A man who hasn’t kissed his wife in twenty years, but he’ll kill the man who does.
Q. Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset….some of the books weren’t colored-in yet.
Q. His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
A. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.
Q. How can you tell if a Trinity student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. How do we know that Christ was Irish?
A. Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None – Westmeath looks better in the dark.
Q. How many Trinity students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One – he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
Q. How many UL students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three – One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
Q. Irish lass customer: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?”
A. Shopkeeper: “Well now, I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”
Q. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?”
A. “No,” said himself, “but I am gettin closer.”
Q. Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
A. Quinn considers him to be very lucky. His wife makes him walk.
Q. Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist. A. “There he was. All dressed up and no place to go.”
Q. Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”
A. “Faith now,” exclaimed Paddy, “I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.”
Q. Seamus do you understand French?
A. I do if its spoken in Irish.
Q. Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
A. “Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
Q. She followed her husband to the public house. “How can you come here,” she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, “and drink that awful stuff?”
A. “Now!” he cried, “And you always said I was out enjoying meself.”
Q. Two Irishmen had just won £5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters?
A. Sean replies, we’ll just keep sending them.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT’s have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A Murder Suspect.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
A. They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.
Q. What’s the first thing a Trinity girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.
Q. Why don’t they have Christmas at Trinity?
A. They can’t find a virgin and three wise men.0 -
Some funny book titles:
Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis
The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss
How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda Camul
Is this Love? by Midas Wellbee
Dancing at the Party by Hans Neesanboompsadaisy 0 -
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''
''Melons,'' the blonde replies.
''Cool,” the guy says. “If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''
The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.'' :P0 -
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife.”
Both men ran away. 0 -
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!” 0
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Hi Ron
a good bunch as usual
think this.....Q. Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
A. “Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
might be me :oops:
Love
Toni xx0 -
Yep, could be my wife too.0 -
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Aw gowangowangowan. 0
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A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband. “Honey,” the wife said, “if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “Never, my dear.”
The wife said, “I''m sure you would.”
So the husband said, “Okay, I would”
“Would you let her sleep in our bed?” the wife asked.
And the husband replied, “I suppose so.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her wear my clothes?”
“I doubt she''d want to,” the husband said. “She''s so much thinner than you.” :shock:0
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