Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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Phone call:
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. 0 -
Morning Ron!!
I loved the chemical properties one!!!
Described my ex down to a T,
but not my husband
LOve
Toni xx0 -
Morning Toni, glad you like it, Ron. xxx0
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Insurance claim form gaffes
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag-
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." :shock:0 -
Proverbs to live by (2)
1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. S/he who hesitates is probably right.
6. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
8. Success always occurs in private......failure in full view.
9. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
10. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
11. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
13. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
14. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
16. The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards.
17. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
19. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlights of an approaching train. 0 -
These are real Q & A from last years school exams.
Questions & Answers
Following questions and answers were collated from last year's GCSE exams
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.-
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs. 0 -
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (to paraphrase)"Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven."
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture"? replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!" 0 -
Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I'd gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your Ex-wife
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!
***********************
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week; the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty pounds from me that morning and your
negligee was £49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter you wrote, you won't get a penny from me. So take care.
Your ex-husband
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.0 -
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
I just love Tommy Cooper
Malc0 -
Great cracks Malc 0
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The call was from a little old lady seeking advice about seperating two dogs that were love-locked on her back lawn.
"Try using a broom handle" suggested the vet.
Not long after, the little old lady phoned back to tell him that the broom handle had not worked.
"Try throwing a bucket of water over them" the vet advised.
Ten minutes later, the little old lady was back on the line to say that had not worked either.
"As a last resort" grumbled the vet, "go and tell the male dog that the telephone's ringing for him".
"Do you think that will work?" asked the little old lady.
"Well" roared the vet, "it's worked three times tonight with me".0 -
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew. 0 -
Things to think about
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? 0 -
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.' 0 -
Can you answer these?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when a endangered animal eats endangered plants?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is the speed of dark?
How come we never hear about gruntled employees?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come there aren't B batteries?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
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What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath ?
Polly unsaturated !
What do you call a dentist in the army ?
A drill sergeant !
What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ?
A car-toonist !
What do you call a fight between film actors ?
Star wars !
How do you stop an Ape from charging?
Take away its credit cards! 0 -
A man and his wife were trying to think of a place to go on vacation.
The wife suggests going to the Holy Land, and taking her mother with them.
The husband isn't too up for this idea, but the wife explains that her mother is old and may never have a chance to go there again. So he agrees.
While in the Holy Land, the mother passes away.
So the man goes down to the local funeral home to see about arrangements.
The funeral director tells him, Well, we can cremate her, and bury the ashes here for
£1,000.00. Or, we can have a nice full service for her and bury her here for £5,000.00. Or, although not many chose this option, we can prepare the body and send it back to United States for £25,000.00.
The man thinks about it for a few a minutes, and says, let's send her back to the states.
The funeral director says, are you sure? That's awfully expensive sir.
Yes, but the last guy I read about that you buried over here, came back to life, and I'm willing to take that chance. 0 -
Man flying his hot air balloon over Ireland suddenly realises hes lost...after losing height he spots a farmer in a field
" WHERE AM I?"
...The farmer looks around a bit then sees the balloon and shouts
" YER CAN'T FOOL ME....YER IN THE BASKET!!" 0 -
How are Oxfam better than England?
They have a team that are effective and still working in Africa. :shock:0 -
A proof that men have better friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there. 0 -
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Have England won the world cup yet?"
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!" 0 -
Rumours that John Terry was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a South African nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA.
Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone." 0 -
Apparently Osama Bin Laden has jusrt released a new tv message to prove he's still alive.
He said that the England team performance was completely rubbish.
British Intelligence has dismissed the claim., stating the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years. 0 -
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." 0
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