Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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England Football team have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is:
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
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Q: What's the difference between listening to Fabio Capello's after-match interview and childbirth?
A: One's an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other one's just having a baby. 0 -
Q: Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
A: The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!0 -
I love it. 0
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This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.' 0 -
David Blaine is furious: His record of spending 42 hours in a box doing nothing has been broken by Wayne Rooney. 0
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A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren she found out in the snow.
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darned birds!"
The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence. "Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren." 0 -
During a rather heated argument, Morris the husband bellowed, "You don't
deserve a man like me."
The wife Sherry retorted, "I don't deserve arthritis either, but I got
that too." 0 -
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc. 0 -
Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"0 -
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”
Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”0 -
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”
One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Paddy said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other Irish guy. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!” 0 -
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball… 0 -
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."0
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To get over the world cup disappointment, Capello has organised a friendly with Iceland.
If England win, they could go on to play ASDA or Tesco. 0 -
There’s a man won the football pools, see, and he said to himself, 'I’ll buy a car.’ So he went down to the salesroom and saw the salesman and he said, 'I’d like a car. How much is that?’ He said, 'Eight hundred pounds.’ He said, 'I can’t afford that. Eight hundred pounds? I’ve only got seventy-five pounds.’ 'Well,’ the salesman said, 'how about a bicycle?’ He said, 'I don’t want a bike. I want to get out in the country to get some fresh air.’ 'Well,’ he said, 'how about a pair of skates?’ He said, 'Get away! I want to get out. I don’t want skates.’ And the man said, 'I tell you what. How about a hoop and stick?’ He said, 'All right.’ So he bought a hoop and stick and he went out into the country, came across a pub, and put the hoop and stick in the car park. He went inside, had a drink, came out and the stick’s gone. Somebody’s pinched it. So he went back to the landlord and said, 'Somebody’s taken my stick. They’ve pinched it.’ And the landlord said, 'Don’t get excited. It can’t have cost you much.’ He said, 'Well, it only cost me half a crown, but that’s not the point. How am I going to get home?’ 0
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If you've every wondered what's in a Blonde's dictionary, here it is:
Artery — Study of paintings
Bacteria — Back door of cafeteria
Barium — What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section — District in Rome
Cat scan — Searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — Sheep dog
Coma — A punctuation mark
Congenital — Friendly
D&C — Where Washington is
Diarrhea — Journal of daily events
Dilate — To live long
Enema — Not a friend
Fester — Quicker
Fibula — A small lie
G.I. Series — Soldiers’ ball game
Grippe — Suitcase
Hangnail — Coathook
Impotent — Distinguished, well known
Intense pain — Torture in a teepee
Labor pain — Got hurt at work
Medical staff — Doctor’s cane
Morbid — Higher offer
Nitrate — Cheaper than day rate
Node — Was aware of
Outpatient — Person who had fainted
Pelvis — Cousin of Elvis
Post operative — Letter carrier
Protein — Favoring young people
Rectum — It almost killed him
Recovery room — Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — Amorous
Scar — Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — Hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — Study of knighthood
Tablet — Small table
Terminal illness — Sickness at airport
Tibia — Country in North Africa
Tumor — An extra pair
Urine — Opposite of you’re out
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein — Conceited0 -
Gordon Brown died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Gordon, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Gordon.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked Gordon.
"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." 0 -
While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
What do you think? I asked. Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?
Better get a bikini, he replied.
You'd never get it all in one. :shock:0 -
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Well, hard to say... Yes, 3 times."
"Three??? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?"
"Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number two?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?"
"Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" 0 -
So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. 0 -
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The secret to keeping a good man:
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn’t lie.
4. It is important to find a man who’s a caring lover.
5. It is important that these four men never meet. 0 -
A man is in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone rings, he engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: I am in town and found a beautiful leather coat. It's £1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: £60,000.
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking £450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer £420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. This is surely my luckiest day. I love you! Honey"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
When he just hangs up, another man enters the locker room and
asks the first man, "Have you seen my cell phone?" :shock:0 -
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE : Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE : May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE : No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share!!!
HE : Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE : It's hot!!!
HE : I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE : Okay, but would you stay there?
HE : Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE : Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE : Okay, get out!!!
HE : I think I could make you very happy
SHE : Why?.. Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : why, don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go and see a film?
SHE : I've already seen it!!!
HE : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE : Nah, it was plain bad luck 0
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