Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony £18 notes would be in some small village near Dublin.
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny village with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the £18 note a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
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Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. 0 -
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around." 0 -
Got Any Grapes?
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No,"
and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?" 0 -
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."0 -
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are FRIARS!" 0 -
Q:What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A:'Pick a cod, any cod.' 0 -
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead." 0 -
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you..'
JUDGE NOT!!
Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a
Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!0 -
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Aw thanks Babycham
xxx0 -
Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President Barak Obama. Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration. More poignantly, The President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to color in the second one. 0
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Anagrams:
Diego Maradona
O dear, I'm a gonad
Tony Blair PM
I'm Tory plan B
Leo Blair
O Liberal
Virginia Bottomley
I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine
Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor
**** marvel
Dame Agatha Christie
I am a right death case
Benson and Hedges
NHS been a godsend0 -
A friend's husband has decided that, at the ripe old age of 48, he needs to get into shape. We went to the gym where a trainer asked him if he could do the splits. 'Of course I can't', he answered. 'How flexible are you?' she asked. To which he replied 'Well, I can't do Tuesdays.' 0
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I was in Tesco looking for OXO cubes, I saw beef, lamb, chicken, vegetable & England - in white foil with a red cross
I queried it and was told it was new out - the laughing stock 0 -
......An old Italian man suffered a serious heart attack and had open-heart bypass surgery....He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Cabrini Catholic Hospital .
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.She asked if he had health insurance.He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had any money in the bank.He replied. 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun..'
The nun became irritated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God..'
The patient replied, ‘Then send the bill to my Brother-in-Law’. 0 -
Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.
SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.
BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog poo, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.
ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.
PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.
BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.
CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and weeing on it.
The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing. 0 -
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." 0 -
Q: Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
A: The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi! 0 -
2 bags of crisps are walking done the road, a policeman pulls up beside them and asks "do you want a lift?", they both reply
"sorry mate, were walkers!! 0 -
DER!!!!!
Thanks ron
Great to read that lot - normality
Love
Toni xx0 -
Thanks Toni.
xxx0 -
What's the difference between Prince Charles, Telly Savalas and a monkey?
Prince Charles is an Heir apparent. Telly Savalas has no Hair apparent, and a monkey is a hairy parent! 0 -
A young army officer arrived in the Falklands ready to face the enemy, and defend the Empire. "Where's the enemy?" he asked the Colonel.
"None of that stuff here" replied the COlonel, "we've kicked the Argies out. Today is Monday. We all play tennis".
"But I don't play tennis" said the officer.
"Well then" replied the Colonel, "Tuesday we play Polo."
"But I don't play Polo" replied the officer.
"That's okay" said the Colonel, "on Wednesday we have the Regimental Dance".
"Sorry Sir, but I don't dance at all."
"Ah welln you'll certainly like Thursdays - that's wife swapping night. Lots of sex and fun".
"I'm sorry sir, but I could not possible take part in anything like that."
"For heavens sake Lieutenant, you must be homosexual!" replied the Colonel.
"I am most certainly not Homosexual", replied the officer.
"Oh dear," replied the Colonel, "then you're definitely not going to enjoy Friday nights either." 0 -
Chemical Additions
The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element name: woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: man
Symbol: XY Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. 0
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