Absolutely Devastated

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lazicat
lazicat Member Posts: 177
edited 15. Nov 2016, 18:05 in Living with Arthritis archive
I dont know if anyone remembers but a while ago I asked if anyone thought my husband would look at me differently now I have arthritis & had THR last July. Im young to have this (50) and it had been a long haul getting through the NHS system as it took ages to get refered to hosiptal.
Well today I found out he's been having an affair since November , met the woman in September.
I am absolutely devasted, words cannot express how I feel , we have been married 23 years & together for 24 years. I thought marriage vows said in sickness & in health.
I have tried so hard to get our lives back to normality, be careful & felt I was getting there especially since christmas, Ive been much more active & felt more like my old self.
I now feel like life isnt worth living again & dont know what to do.
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Comments

  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Lazicat at I don't know what to say to you except that I am thinking of you very much,sending you hugs.(((((()))))) Mig
  • Lulu69
    Lulu69 Member Posts: 10
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    So sorry for you

    X
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,638
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Oh Lazicat :shock:

    I am so so so very sorry and shocked.

    I don't think you should blame yourself for this at all or necessarily the hip either.

    I do hope he is talking to you? has he knocked it on the head? and have you got people around you to support you? Would he consider couple counselling?? If he will you know this can actually be sorted.

    I hope you really don't feel like life is worth living??? If you do please do consider ringing the samaritans....you are in shock at the moment.

    I am so sorry I can't remember whether you have children and if so whether they are at home with you, but please remember them and other poeple who love you.

    Please take care Lazicat

    love and HUGE ((()))

    Toni xxx
  • maria09
    maria09 Member Posts: 1,905
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi
    I'm so so sorry
    That must have been so devistating for you
    Has he given any reason to why he has done this?
    None of this is your fault
    Try and keep strong I know it must be difficult
    Have you contacted your GP they may be able to get help for you
    Your life is important
    We are here to help you as much as we can
    You are not alone
    ((((((BIG HUG))))))
    Maria
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Lazicat

    I'm so sorry to hear your terrible news. No wonder you feel devastated. We are here to support you and send you lots of love. I'm with Toni on this one, I don't think you or your hip are at fault. This was his choice and his behaviour, not yours.

    (((((()))))) love LV xx
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter
  • deedeeitsme
    deedeeitsme Member Posts: 321
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi hun...so sorry to hear this. Please do not blame yourself for his actions. People make their own choices and you had absolutely no part in the decision HE made. You also have choices and you are the only one who can decide where you go from here. You are angry and devastated just now so this is not a good time to be making any decisions. You will need support in this so nows the time to gather family and friends around you until you feel strong enough to move forward. Please do not feel that this is your fault. You can't change what's happened hun but only you can decide where you go from here.

    Thinking of you. Dee x
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Oh lovey
    Your are worth more than he will ever be, I can feel how devastated you are and no wonder....please look at the link the mods have put on above for the Samaritans.
    Has time goes on you will realize how you can now put yourself first,
    We are all here for you to talk to, taking is the best medicine...((((())) xx
    Love
    Barbara
  • Numptydumpty
    Numptydumpty Member Posts: 6,417
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    It's little wonder you're devastated!
    I'm thinking of you very much, ((((()))))
    Numpty
  • elainebadknee
    elainebadknee Bots Posts: 3,703
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Lazicat

    This is his problem not yours, life is worth living and you stuck to your vows, he didn't ...If it was me there would be no way back once the trust is gone that's it, I don;t know how you feel about that....
    You need time to reflect I think..

    Elainexx
    lazicat wrote:
    I dont know if anyone remembers but a while ago I asked if anyone thought my husband would look at me differently now I have arthritis & had THR last July. Im young to have this (50) and it had been a long haul getting through the NHS system as it took ages to get refered to hosiptal.
    Well today I found out he's been having an affair since November , met the woman in September.
    I am absolutely devasted, words cannot express how I feel , we have been married 23 years & together for 24 years. I thought marriage vows said in sickness & in health.
    I have tried so hard to get our lives back to normality, be careful & felt I was getting there especially since christmas, Ive been much more active & felt more like my old self.
    I now feel like life isnt worth living again & dont know what to do.
  • barry2013
    barry2013 Member Posts: 151
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Lazicat

    This is his problem not yours, life is worth living and you stuck to your vows, he didn't ...If it was me there would be no way back once the trust is gone that's it, I don;t know how you feel about that....
    You need time to reflect I think..

    Elainexx
    lazicat wrote:
    I dont know if anyone remembers but a while ago I asked if anyone thought my husband would look at me differently now I have arthritis & had THR last July. Im young to have this (50) and it had been a long haul getting through the NHS system as it took ages to get refered to hosiptal.
    Well today I found out he's been having an affair since November , met the woman in September.
    I am absolutely devasted, words cannot express how I feel , we have been married 23 years & together for 24 years. I thought marriage vows said in sickness & in health.
    I have tried so hard to get our lives back to normality, be careful & felt I was getting there especially since christmas, Ive been much more active & felt more like my old self.
    I now feel like life isnt worth living again & dont know what to do.

    I feel so sorry for you, my heart really does go out to you, for him to behave like this is appalling vows are for life, when I strood up with Jim in front of family and friends to make our partenership vows it was the most important day of our lives. I hope you can get through this, as others have said we are here for you.
    The very best wishes.
    Barry.
  • villier
    villier Member Posts: 4,426
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Awe pet, try not to be so hard on yourself, if it's any comfort I know how you are feeling as it happened to me, yes, you will question what 'if' I did and what 'if' I didn't, the main thing at the moment is to get as much support as you can albeit from family, friends, here, although you don't think it at the moment you will get the strength to cope with this once the shock wears off and you know that there are plenty on here to give you as much support as you need, remember this is not your fault, sending you ((((())))) and lots of love..........Marie xx
    Smile a while and while you smile
    smile another smile and soon there
    will be miles and miles of smiles
    just because you smiled I wish your
    day is full of Smiles
  • dachshund
    dachshund Member Posts: 9,023
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hello Lazicat
    dont worry it's not your fault it might have happened if you had not had arther.
    take care we care about you.
    joan xx
    take care
    joan xx
  • nearlybionic
    nearlybionic Member Posts: 1,899
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi Lazycat
    I am so sorry to hear this. xxx I can understand the concerns you had about being young with arthritis and THR as I had my 1st THR at 40 and am waiting for my 2nd at 44. However, as you say most people go into a marriage thinking `in sickness and in health`, but if your husband has made other decisions this is HIS problem.You have done nothing wrong, and have dealt with your health problems admirably.
    You need time to get your head round things, and reflect on what you have been told. We are always here if you need to talk, PM me if you would like to talk privately xxx
    NB
  • ShulaArcher
    ShulaArcher Member Posts: 174
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi

    I was so sorry to read what you are going through. You have loads of support here and I hope you have very good friends and/or family you can lean on too.

    When my (now ex) husband landed a similar bombshell with me I felt a degree of physical and emotional pain that was unbearable. I didn't think I would ever stop crying; in fact, felt I couldn't cry enough to get it "out of my system". Gradually, I assessed what I was going to do and decided I had to put my son and myself before him. It took a long time and I hate even now (14 years later) to think/write about it. As other people have said, don't blame yourself. And be kind to yourself, more than ever. You need a lot of TLC from a lot of people - take it.

    Many thoughts
    Shula
  • constable
    constable Member Posts: 2,115
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I am so so sorry that this is happening to you. But, please, it is not your fault. It could well have happened even if you had remained a fit person. You must have so much going through your head at the mo. Just understand that your life is very very important. I do hope you have people round you who you can talk about this too. And dont forget us, we will always be here to listen.

    I am sending you big big hugs of comfort. And really hoping you realise you are not to blame. Easier said than done I know. But it is true.
    Karen xx
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,730
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Of course you are devastated, lazicat. Who wouldn’t be in your circumstances?

    I just don’t know if your arthritis is a factor. Marriages – even longstanding ones – break up all the time for all sorts of reasons.

    What you need right now is a long chat preferably with a good friend but, if none is to hand immediately, try the Samaritans (08457 909090) at any time, day or night. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a complete stranger.

    You can see from the posts on your thread that we are all here for you too. Whatever you do or don’t do, don’t be alone. There is help at hand. ((()))
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • babytiger
    babytiger Member Posts: 360
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Lazicat sorry to hear your news .don't blame yourself or your hip .we are all here for you whatever time,theres is always someone to talk to.
    ((((( )))))) ffrom me Eileen xx
  • lazicat
    lazicat Member Posts: 177
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thanks everyone for your kind words.
    Im so shocked still , feel numb with pain , havent had any anger yet , just so sad & cant stop crying.
    He has sat with me all day , crying too , so ashamed of himself and wanting to put it behind us & find a way forward. That is going to be easier said than done.
    I had a feeling things werent right & had asked a few times what the matter was & he said nothing , just tired & stressed with work. He does work very hard & does as much as he can to help me.
    He says that my operation & the long period of illness leading up to it , put him under so much pressure he needed to escape, a distraction & someone paid him attention & he was flattered & thats how it started & it got out of control. He said our lives had become all about pain & he doesnt blame me , but I hadnt been able to do as much as I used to or paid him attention , and he slept in spare room for 6 weeks after my THR and we became very seperate & all these things stressed him out with his work load as well.
    I just dont know what to say or think !!!
    What he's really meaning is my illness has changed our closeness & sex life !! What am I supposed to do with a man that falls asleep on the sofa in the evenings , wide awake at bed time & that my hip was so bad the surgeon said that when he removed it there was nothing left , I had been limping, dragging it for months , every day was a struggle, could stand up straight with my knees locked, so bent over. Ive still got pain in the other hip & lower spine now but with meds its bearable.
    So Im sorry if Sex wasnt at the top of my to do list !!!!!!!!
    Ive got two kids 20 & 17 , my son is a pain in the bum , lazy & unhelpful, my daughter is wonderful.
    I havent got any family really apart from that , a sister who I didnt grow up with who lives 100 miles away who I only see when I make the effort to visit her.
    I have a couple of good close friends , but never burden people with my problems, I just cant. Infact Im the person people come to with theirs, then when I became ill, none of them have been near me !!
    I think I will see my GP , I'm having a blood test tomorrow as I donated my bone & its the final one before it can be used.
    The awful thing is my husband told this woman he was seperated, although we were living in the same house & took off his wedding ring, he has admitted all this, plus she's 15 years younger than me, which is just great at a time Ive been feeling my worst & my self esteem is so low, such a kick in the teeth.
    I feel numb ...... just dont know what to do ........ but I love him so much.
    We have had a good marriage, most of the time, done lots of great things & always been very close.
    Cant believe it !!!!!!!!
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Arthritis hits everyone in the family unit. It can make the person who has it much more self-absorbed, grumpy, distant, tetchy etc (I am categorically NOT saying this is you but I know that's happened to me) and it makes those around them feel useless, helpless, frustrated, annoyed etc because they can see the toll the disease is taking on their loved one but cannot do anything to stop the progression (Ive heard that from my husband). It's a difficult time for all. It tests the strength in the relationship and you've found out the hard way how true that is.

    You both need some time together to sort things out but this isn't necessarily the right time: you are both too raw with grief and hurt. It's taken a whiile for this all to brew and it can't be mended overnight; the metaphorical dust needs to settle, then it may be time to consider counsellling. He's sat with you today, you say he's feeling ashamed and he doesn't blame the arthritis. Both seem positive signs to me that he wants to make things work but only you two (and maybe a neutral third party) can make that happen. You have a long history - and a good one - don't let the disease rob that from you both, it's already taken enough. I wish you both well. ((())) DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,730
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I can only endorse all that DD has written. Arthritis does find the cracks in a relationship and prises them open. I’d add one more word to her list of how our arthritis makes our loved ones feel and that is ‘impotent’. They feel powerless to help us and therefore diminished themselves.

    It’s sometimes (wrongly, I think) said that the chinese have the same word for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity’. Only you can decide which this is but, again as DD says, you first need time – time to absorb all that has happened and been said. You say you ‘can’t burden people’ with your problems so a counsellor might be a good idea.

    What I think is very good, and promising, is that you’re both being honest about what’s happened and your feelings. He’s taking the blame fairly and squarely. You are acknowledging that finding a way forward will be ‘easier said than done’.

    Give yourself time, lazicat. Keep talking to each other and stay in touch with your own feelings rather than trying to rush into a solution of any kind. Inasmuch as we can help, we’ll be here for you. ((()))
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • lazicat
    lazicat Member Posts: 177
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Such wise words & so helpful , thankyou both.
    He told her today that its over & that he will not see or contact her again or take any calls, he did this of his own free will, I didnt ask him to. He told her he had lied to her and that he was sorry but he wants to stay with me and make things work. He made the phonecall infront of me, so I heard what was said.
    He is just dropping our daughter off as she's going to the cinema with her friends, will do her good to get out, poor girl is gutted & worried. He has apologised to her too.
    He seems to be doing & saying the right things mostly , the proof will be if he sticks to what he's said.
    My OA has changed things, I have been grumpy & snappy at times, its been hard to come to terms with as it happened suddenly & was bad very quickly. I dont want my whole life to be about that either.
    He says he felt very helpless etc much as whats been said & I can understand that.
    I know its not going to resolve overnight & we are going to have breathing space & then talk more in a couple of days, once we've had time to get thoughts together.
    He's a husband who has always wanted to be with me , do most things together, nice holidays, a good provider, so many positives. He rarely went out by himself before other than to golf. I have always felt very lucky. Unfortunately Ive been more tired since OA started & havent felt like going out as much & we drifted apart without realising. He says he was devastated to see in in such pain & shut off as he didnt know what to do & it took so long to get diagnosed he imagined all sorts of terrible things.
    I know its good we are talking , not arguing strangely.
    Im looking forward to rest & quiet tomorrow.
    Once again thanks for all the advice, it really has helped, as you all know how this awful illness makes everyone feel & it really does effect all the family.
    I will let you all know how things go, too early to make any rash decisions.
    Huge Thanks for being there xx
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Drifting apart and not noticing it's happening is so easily done. Princess Diana is remembered for saying that there were three people in her marriage; there are two people in mine plus one disease but it feels like a third person, an intruder who wishes harm.

    I can't say that today has been a turning point for you both but it seems better than it could have been. If you are both committed to making things work, then you will. You sound as though you are doing the right things and long may that continue. We'll be here to listen whenever you need, OK? Take care and I hope you are able to get some decent sleep. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • lizzieuk1
    lizzieuk1 Member Posts: 302
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi lazicat so sorry to hear things have been rocky, sounds like ur oh is wanting to work things out though. arthur really beats us up in so many areas it is hard for all involved, i think his openess about how he felt and why he looked outside ur relationship for comfort is understandable though not excusable. i suggest once things settle a bit u both seek couples counselling so you can express yourselves individually then together to move forward. im sure after so many years married you have a very strong relationship underneath all thats going onat the moment, wishing you luck and give yorself time to sort things once the fog clears.xx
  • maria09
    maria09 Member Posts: 1,905
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi
    How are you feeling today?
    You must be kind to yourself
    It is not your fault you have Arthritis
    It's not your fault you needed a hip replacement
    It's certainly not your fault your husband was weak and had an affair
    We all know how Arthritis can be so debilitating and depressing
    Have you thought of marriage counselling?
    We are all here for you and support you any way we can
    You can pm me if you think it would be helpful for you
    Be strong
    Maria
  • lazicat
    lazicat Member Posts: 177
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Feel exhausted today & in pain mentally & physically. Yesterday I felt numb , during the night I woke and the mental pain hit me & I couldnt stop shaking, its unbearable. He is being so kind & loving !!
    Im so confused.
    Im actually glad he's gone to work today & Im by myself , my thoughts are all over the place & at least I can get some peace & try to gather them. Im not going to rush , if he wants me , he will have to be patient and give me time to come to terms with everything.
    The one good thing I think is that we are talking without anger or arguing.
    The crazy thing is he says he doesnt love her , never did, is glad its over & relieved its over & out in the open. It was an escape , a distraction from what was happening in our lives with my illness & how everything had changed. He knows I cant help it & doesnt blame me at all.
    He has always been a very loyal supportive husband, he was with me every step of the way with hospital appoinments as well.
    Thanks everyone for listening , its really good to have somewhere to vent my feelings. Who knows it may even help others to not fall into the same trap !!
    Im heartbroken & so is he. BUT maybe there is hope that some good will come out of it.
    The thing i find hard to understand is that he didnt talk to me about how he was feeling , when I had asked him many times.