Absolutely Devastated

lazicat

Last night was a revalation. The "other woman" is 22 years old & works with him. Im disgusted - not much older than my kids !
How on earth can I trust him to go to work now ?

maria09

I am so sorry
Can he get a transfer out or get her transferred out
I can understand how devistating this revelation has been
Maybe it's time to tell him exactly how you feel that you have been betrayed all over again! And why didn't he tell you this at the beginning
Maybe because you have been so calm about it he feels safe now so he's acting like everything is fine now
Go to relate they are trained for relationship problems
We can only give you our on views and support you as much as we can!
Is there any chance he can take time off work for you so you are not constantly wondering what's going on at work
I have not been in your situation but want you to know you have my support
Maria

lazicat

Thanks Maria.
Thing is I asked him to tell me the truth about everything as I didnt want to find more out as time went on to avoid further flare ups so we could draw a line under it & move on as best we could. He assured me it wasnt work related & I believed him. How on earth does he think they can carry on working together, he is her Manager , breech of Company regs Im sure. I could walk to the office in 5mins from our house if I didnt have OA , my daughter passes there each day as she goes to 6th form & sometimes pops in to see her Dad !
Im so hurt & so very angry now & dont know what to do with myself.
I feel so sorry for my lovely Daughter. My son is away at the moment so he has no idea what is going on.
I had even said I didnt want to tell anyone at all as I didnt want people to think badly of him.
He even went away overnight on a non existant work course with her , which was one night & two full days in a nice Hotel upgraded room, supposedly to talk things through & thats when they decided to end it - Jan 29th - that was before I found out !
This all came out last night as I found the Hotel Booking/Enquiry & an email address for her.

lazicat

Sorry Im rambling, my head is all over the place & I dont know what to do with myself.

dreamdaisy

Her age is immaterial - would you feel any happeir if she was in her thirties, forties, fifties? I doubt it. He's admitted it was a mistake, he's told you it's over, he has to face her every day, a very prickly reminder of what a twerp he's been. DD

tkachev

lazicat wrote:

Thanks Maria.
Thing is I asked him to tell me the truth about everything as I didnt want to find more out as time went on to avoid further flare ups so we could draw a line under it & move on as best we could. He assured me it wasnt work related & I believed him. How on earth does he think they can carry on working together, he is her Manager , breech of Company regs Im sure. I could walk to the office in 5mins from our house if I didnt have OA , my daughter passes there each day as she goes to 6th form & sometimes pops in to see her Dad !
Im so hurt & so very angry now & dont know what to do with myself.
I feel so sorry for my lovely Daughter. My son is away at the moment so he has no idea what is going on.
I had even said I didnt want to tell anyone at all as I didnt want people to think badly of him.
He even went away overnight on a non existant work course with her , which was one night & two full days in a nice Hotel upgraded room, supposedly to talk things through & thats when they decided to end it - Jan 29th - that was before I found out !
This all came out last night as I found the Hotel Booking/Enquiry & an email address for her.

Mine had a fling with a 19 year old (He was early 30's) while supposedly working long hours away from home. Age does make a difference because it felt as if I was past my sell by date and that hurt. I had trusted him and that also hurt. After the affair came to light I had to do all the detective work and finding out he had paid for things for her to make her life easier drove me mad. Its after the details come out you can make a better decision.



Elizabeth

barbara12

Hi Lazycat
You try and stay strong for you and your children, I do hope things get sorted..and it all depends on how much you both want to stay together...what do they say once can be a mistake... :roll:
You take care of yourself....((((((())))) xx

lazicat

DD - age does have an impact on me unfortunately. I was abused as a child by my stepfather , so the thought of this age being close to my kids does bother me , even though I know its not the same, it still feels very sick. I would still be just as devasted if she were older, just without the creepy sick feeling. I know it isnt rational to think that way, but I cant help it. I wonder if someone of his age was having sex with our Daughter how he would feel , not great I know. I am a fair person & I do try my best to protect people & do the right thing. Im honest & trustworthy & I have never ever lied to him !

lazicat

I certainly feel past my sell by date since OA struck ! This couldnt of happened at a worse time , when my self esteem is so low........ I was just starting to get it back bit by bit !!

Im am trying to calm down , would of prefered to delt with it in just the one "hit" though.

I think Relate may be a good thing when the dust has settled , if I feel strong enough. Im not as strong as I used to be before OA. I have mentioned it to him.

Thanks again everyone.

stickywicket

There are so many things here that I feel only you two can deal with.

She was 22 and that clearly makes a big difference to you, possibly because of your past history. I don't think it would to me. In fact, I think I'd feel less threatened by a young woman (as men are easily flattered) than by someone more my own age who could be viewed as a substitute for me.

If he originally said that it wasn't anyone at work then that's clearly a lie. He must understand that, from your point of view, if he's lied about one thing he could be lying about others.

A point in his favour is that he ended it before you found out.

I can't help wondering how you found the hotel booking and email address. If you've been looking through his things it's understandable but it won't help.

I think you both need Relate now, not later which might be too late. Please consider it.

lazicat

SW - I found it in his mobile phone , which he had told me I could look at anytime to prove he wasnt up to anything. He hadnt deleted his trash can.
I get what you mean by younger , cant possible last etc So hurtfull though. I really feel like Ive had a massive kick in the teeth regardless of age. I hate lies & had begged to be told the truth.
Anyway thanks for everything everyone, you havve been a huge support.
Im too raw for Relate at the moment. I think the ball is in his court now , not much left for me to say. Ive tried so hard to be calm & dignified and at the moment I have no strength left.

barbara12

Hi lovey
You make sure you keep in touch with us....you know we are always here for you xx

maria09

Just want to send you a (((( big hug ))))
Wish we could help more
You are a lovely person
Think some of us would have been like Mrs Bobbit and chopped it off
You are very brave
Take care
Maria

stickywicket

You certainly have had a 'massive kick in the teeth'. I hope you can sort something out to your satisfaction. ((()))

daffy2

Hello lazicat
I do sympathise with you about this latest blow, and the feeling of being knocked right back again. When my ex told me he was leaving I managed to cope reasonably well( for various reasons I won't go into it was not a complete surprise) and was beginning on some days to see beyond the immediate fallout, and then about 3 months later came the revelation of a 9 year old daughter....at which point I just fell apart. It was so much more difficult to deal with then than if he had been honest at the time he left, and I was also angry for my son and especially my daughter who saw some baby photos and made the connection. I still can't understand what warped thought processes made him decide to try and keep that quiet, but I do think men often don't see why certain actions have an impact way beyond the initial fact.It's why they can be successful in the work environment as they don't get bogged down with the effects of decisions. As regards the age of 'the other woman', I think I would have found a younger woman easier to understand, but I find the fact that she's my age very difficult to deal with, even after nearly 10 years.
I do hope you can hang on in there lazicat, you have done so well so far.

lazicat

Thats just so awful Daffy2. Hope you are happy now.
My hubby has always been very work focused, always to provided a good life for us ,that was his main focus. Sadly he has lost his way as we've been hit so hard by the recession due to his proffession (financial advisor/mortgage consultant) & his self worth & focus has gone. He's always been a very positive person and could always find positivity out of any situation. now he's more attracted to negatives & feels like he has nothing left to give.
I spoke to him last night about going to Relate but he seemed a bit unsure.
I feel so desperately sad for him, for all of us , my OA couldnt of happened at a worse time. One of the things that really worries me is that at some point Im sure I will have my other Hip done & what extra pressure will that put on everything.
Thanks everyone you have been a tower of strength. Im feeling a little better this morning, very tired & OA playing up......... What will be will be , I can only try.

maria09

Hi lazicat
Wish your OA starts to improve but as you know times of stress makes it worse
I'm sorry but I can't find any sympathy for your husband
Lots of men have problems just like him and don't do what he did to you
I must say you are a much better person than me
I do think he really needs to go to relate more for you than him
It's still raw for you and you can only go at your own pace
Keep strong
Maria x

villier

Hi Yvonne

You say hubby is now unsure about going to relate, I think he owes you that much, if it wasn't for him you wouldn't be in this situation, I would have thought he would have been up for anything to save the marriage, glad to see you are feeling a wee bit better long may it continue..........tc.................Marie xx

kentishlady

Hi Lazicat. Haven't been on forum for past couple of days so have only just read your updates which I was very sorry to hear. Try to stay strong for your children, though I do know how difficult that is. Sending lots of ((())) your way. Beryl.

stickywicket

lazicat wrote:

My hubby has always been very work focused, always to provided a good life for us ,that was his main focus. Sadly he has lost his way as we've been hit so hard by the recession due to his proffession (financial advisor/mortgage consultant) & his self worth & focus has gone. He's always been a very positive person and could always find positivity out of any situation. now he's more attracted to negatives & feels like he has nothing left to give.

I wonder how big a part that played, Yvonne. I wonder if he was actually depressed before all this happened and your OA wasn't the to blame at all.

However, I'd agree with Marie (villier) that he owes you counselling and I think that's possibly the only way you two can work through your issues and resolve them one way or the other. Without it, for my money, you risk papering over cracks that will reappear.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Try not to worry about the future ie the other hip. One thing at a time.

barbara12

You try and make sure you gets lots of rest in all this....sometimes you can forget to look after yourself...((((())) xx

daffy2

Hi lazicat
The idea of going to Relate is a scary one for most men simply because they don't do 'talking', and really don't like the idea of having to express difficult thoughts and emotions(what they!) to a stranger. However the very fact that the counsellor is a stranger is the advantage - whatever is said goes no further, you will almost certainly never see the person outside of the 'office', and the presence of that neutral person can prevent exchanges turning into slanging matches.It would be a safe place for you both to admit to your fears about yourselves(health, jobs, finance etc) and your relationship without having to pretend everything's OK to avoid hurting or worrying each other.
Does your OH have any ideas as to what, if anything, he can do about the work situation? It's obviously a concern that there is still proximity, but I would imagine that options for doing something about it are limited in practice?
Thinking of you, take care, and take each day as it comes.

applerose

I think OH should go with you to Relate. He should be doing anything he can to get your marriage back on track. I know men don't like doing these things but that is no excuse to get out of it.
One thing though, if things do work out for you with him, you will be happy again. If things don't work out, you will be unhappy for a while but it won't last forever. Either way, you will be happy again one day. I've had 4 relationships (18 years married, 10 years and 4 years seeing someone most days). I was miserable after each one for a while but got to know myself again after each breakup and was happy with life again. It's still early days for you and you've got a way to go whichever road you take but you will get there.

frogmorton

Hi Yvonne

just popping by to see how you are doing.

I understand the age thing too having two girls in the upper 6th, your own history and also making me feel old WE know OA can happen very young (I myself was early 20's when it struck my back), but it's the way society looks on it isn't it?

I hope you will both feel able to go to relate in time - it is still early days for you both.

I hear you there 'feeling' for all of you, your daughter your husband and yourself. He has a good'un in you and I think he might have realised it.

You take care

love and ((()))

Toni xxx

lazicat

Thanks Everyone.
SW - I know this played a huge part in the situation , he was self employed when the recession hit.
Work is more or less sorted out now, he's been employed again for last 2 years by his previous employer, but it has been a struggle as he lost his self worth. My problem is that the "other girl" works closely with him ! Im going to find this very hard to deal with on a daily basis.

There have been no slanging matches at all between us & we are talking calmly. We have had a nice weekend , both kids away so house to ourselves. We even had a lovely evening with good friends last night. Now going to have a take-away & bottle of wine , no kids no interuptions.

We have a huge amount of loyalty & love for each other despite what has happened.

I know that this "affair" would never of happened it there hadnt been a combination of things leading up to it. I think worry , stress & perhaps depression, certainly loss of self worth & identity have played a major part.

I think its very easy to say - I would never put up with that , I would walk away if it happened to me , Ive said that in the past. I actually feel completely different to how I would of expected now Im faced with it. Sadness is the worst thing, but I know I can put it behind me, as long as its the right thing for both of us. There's a long way to go I know.
Thanks again everyone
x Yvonne