Absolutely Devastated

stickywicket

Come here when you need or want to, whatever the news.

I don't suppose (Just a long shot) your husband would be prepared to talk to our helpline people or the Samaritans? A phone call might seem more anonymous and less threatening to him than a face to face counselling session.

woodbon

Hello,
I am so sorry for you, but whatever happens I'm sure you'll come out the other side stronger.
It's not your fault and may well have happened if you where fit and well.

Thinking of you, sending my love and best wishes, Sue xxxxxx

frogmorton

Hi lazicat

I agree with the others call in when you can and it's great we are helping a bit. the forum is a tonic for a lot of us I think.

Hope the cat show was good and you managed to get about alright?

Love and ((()))

Toni xxx

snowdrop123

Hi lazicat
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband has done this to you when you needed his support the most. It sounds like you're better off without a partner who hasn't the strength of character to help you with this horrible disease. I see a counsellor regularly which really helps me to cope after my partner moved out several months ago. I couldn't cope with feeling guilty about messing his life up as well as mine with the horrible things that are happening to me and I feel better in myself being on my own most of the time. I can now have a good cry when I need to without having to feel bad that I'm upsetting anyone else.

Please get some help from a professional you won't regret having a good moan to someone who is paid to listen to you and who won't judge you because you're struggling to cope with what's happened,

Best wishes and I hope life gets better for you soon.
K xx

tkachev

It doesn't sound like he wants to leave. It sounds more like he is suggesting it to see your response and even if you said you wanted him to go, even for a short break apart, he doesn't really want that as it requires effort and will take him away from all that is dear to him.
Its just going to take time because you have been hurt and he doesn't know how to deal with your feelings. You will have many wobbles but he will have to accept that.
I'm not impressed by him saying he needs to be 100% certain he won't do it again! How does he intend to find out?

Please enjoy your Daughters 18th. At times my girls played 2nd best during my divorce and I'm ashamed of that. With hindsight I would do things differently now and put them 1st.

My GP was very nice but I felt my husband was trying to build a case against me, making it seem like I was unstable for being so upset about my husband's affair and I needed help. Just be sure he doesn't twist things around,

Much love
Elizabeth x

lazicat

Just thought I would drop by. My daughters 18th was a lovely happy weekend & things feel relaxed & calm. Ive backed off a bit , think I had been pushing too hard for everything to be resolved , where perhaps going with the flow may be better for a while. There is absolutely no doubt my husband loves me & feels so guilty about all the pain he's caused. Im positive its a mid life crisis, as he really is so upset, sorry & doesnt like the person he feels he has become. I just keep reminding him of the great life we have had , how supportive he has always been & the deep love we have always had, something alot of people never have, when he says that. I feel so sad for him.
I feel alot better for chilling out , my pain has eased & Im pottering around doing bits in the garden which I love - Note to Self - Dont over do it !!! My flowers are blooming & I actually feel happy inside. I know that may change but at least its a start.
We had a 18th Birthday meal friday night at a nice restaurant , my daughter has had a hectic week of celebrations. My husband and I had a nice meal at home Saturday night , wine & candels & talked until 4am , it was lovely , few tears, but happy ...... then we tumbled into bed !!
Sunday we chilled out , I was really tired , he watched sport , then we all had take-away & birthday cake.
I think we may of turned the corner , know I cant do more than I have, really know its just up to him to come to terms with his thoughts. He still says he may have a few days away by himself with no work to think things through , weather he will actually do it is another matter. Before I was panic stricken about it, now I feel ok.
Yesterday I saw my GP - she's going to write to my Surgeon as my other hip & lower back pain in general is alot worse & I dont feel Im a good as I should be after my THR, Im due a check up in August anyway. She also increased my antidepressents , would like not to take them but for the moment they are a godsend.
Life certainly has been a rollercoaster lately !
Thanks again everyone for being there , its really helped when Ive felt at my lowest.

maria09

Hi
I'm glad you are feeling better in yourself always remember it was not your fault it was his!
Happy pills are good when needed don't try and come off them too soon
Just take each day as it comes as you seem to be doing
Glad your daughters 18th was a good time
Maria

stickywicket

You definitely sound more relaxed and I think that has to be a good thing all round. It's good that you managed to enjoy your daughter's 18th too. As for the joints....ah well, that's arthritis, isn't it :roll:

kentishlady

Am pleased to hear that the celebrations went well and that you enjoyed yourself. It does seem as life is a little better for you at present, so do hope things continue to improve for you.

Take care. Beryl. x. (((())))

lazicat

Been struggling with my hip this week, probably doing a bit too much, by time I sit down in evenings in front of tv its very painful & find Im getting stuck and hard to get it moving again. But feel good to be getting on with a few jobs , they seem to take me forever nowdays , where prior to OA I could blitz the house from top to bottom, spotless in a day. I know Ive just got to accept that life is different now. I think I have really, but it has taken along time.
Had a nice surprise, my Hubby bought me a bottle of my favourite perfume, he had noticed I had run out. That has really lifted my spirits , its not my birthday or anything and its been so long since he did something like that !

applerose

Sorry you are struggling with your hip. Hope it improves a bit for you. I think maybe it is easier when we accept that things do take longer. What a lovely surprise. It shows that your hubby is taking notice and that's a good thing.

frogmorton

Oh Eileen

that sounds lovely Isn't it a special feeling when they notice something you didn't expect? He is making an effort.

I hope your garden is continuing to bloom and that you are too.

Love and hugs and hope your hip isn't too painful :?

Toni xxx

lazicat

Had a lovely weekend, the best for months. Hubby was in a great mood , very relaxed, fun & affectionate. We went out for tea Friday evening at Witherspoons, so he could have a pint & to catch up a bit as he had a very busy working week. Saturday we went to friends for the evening. Sunday we pottered about at home, watched the Tennis and had a BBQ for tea & sat outside late into the evening with a glass of wine. It was pure bliss & my spirits are soaring. I hope we have turned the corner, Im so hopeful, hope Im not setting myself up for a fall. My Daughter told me he said to her that - I have been so supportive and couldnt of done more. Im keeping off the subject, letting it lie for now and we have agreed that we will have another chat in a couple of weeks over Dinner somewhere.
Ive got a good friend comming to see me tomorrow, another cat breeder , so will have lots of cat chat, then Hubby is having a day off later in week and if the weathers nice going to have a day at the beach, which is my kind of heaven, he likes it too, may even have a dip in the sea.
It has been a very long few months, very up and down , a real rollercoaster of emotions , hopefully the worst is over , if not at least Ive tried my best.
I hope that my "story" will help others facing a similar situation in the future.
I still have concerns, nothing is set in stone or resolved completely, but heyho, the dredful shock & hurt has gone now. I will never forget but I have forgiven , that should be good for the future which ever way it goes longtime. In the meantime , one step at a time , continue to cope withe the dredded OA & show that we can still have a life , yes it has changed , I do have bad days, restricted days but Im still the same person , it has taken me along time to come to terms with changes in myself due to OA but think Ive found acceptance at last.
The "other women" is still working with him, I have to live with that , I have spoken to her & she says she is looking for another job or promotion within the company , perhaps she always was ! I feel better for facing her, Ive got no need to be embarrassed, one thing is for sure she is completely out of the picture !
............. Oh and my Daughter thinks Im fantastic !!! I hope she can take something away from this mess to help her in the future.
Thanks again everyone for your support , it really has been great. x Yvonne

maria09

Hi Yvonne
I'm so glad everything is improving long may it continue
I'm impressed you handled the other woman like you did I'd have flattened her!!
Enjoy time with your friend
What type of cats do you breed? I have just a common moggy who adopted us she rules the roost
Here's to a happy happy life
Maria

kentishlady

Hi Yvonne. I was so pleased to read your message and to know that things are improving for you, and hope they will continue to do so. Your weekend sounds lovely and, as you say, maybe you have turned the corner at last.

Hope you will have a lovely day at the sea if you do manage to go. It's really hot here - a bit too hot for me, although there is a breeze today which helps.

Take care. Beryl. (((())))

lazicat

Hi Beryl
Thanks alot. I breed Siamese , specialise in Red, Apricot & Cream Points . although I have other colours as well, and I show them. My cats are great company & have been keeping me company through some difficult times.
I felt empowered speaking to her , she didnt know what to say or do , after all Ive done nothing wrong , so Im not going to avoid going to or calling the office if I need to, Ive never made a habbit of it , but under the circumstances though making my presence felt was the right thing to do. In her defense she had been completely lied to as well. Hopefully she will be gone soon anyway now as Im sure the work situation isnt very comfortable.
Hopefully I'll have more good news soon.
x Yvonne

applerose

Great to hear that things have improved so much for you. What a lovely weekend. Hope your day at the sea is as good. I'm sure your daughter has learned a lot from you and how you have handled things.

lazicat

Hi Everyone
Just thought I would pop in and give you an update.
Things are going WELL !! My hubby is happy at home & work , attentive & loving to me & our family life .He says he wants us to stay together , but still feels he needs to be 100% certain he wont let me down & will be the husband he used to be , before he can commit completely. I actually think he's doing well and perhaps putting too much pressure on himself, perhaps it guilt. I am happy with how things are going , he's spending time with me, being considerate , we've had a few nice nights out and we are talking like we used to. Im not counting my chickens but its certainly looking good , he's even talking about planning a holiday !!
This year has been the worst & hardest of mylife , so much soul searching & heartbreak , hopefully the worst is over. I wanted my husband back , he never physically left , think we are almost there !!
One thing for sure is that I feel so much stronger & in control for giving things time , that even if the worst happened I actually think I would cope !!
Thank you all so much for supporting me.
x Yvonne

dreamdaisy

Well, that's sounding more positive, what good news. I hope that you and he will be able to work things through and rebuild things the way you both want them to be. DD

kentishlady

Hi Yvonne. How lovely to hear your news. Am so glad things are going well. You really deserve it after all your heartache you have had. Do hope you manage to get a holiday. That would be lovely for you.

Take care.

Beryl

nearlybionic

Hi Yvonne
I am pleased to hear that things are looking more positive for you and your husband. I hope that you are both able to keep working together and are happy.
NB

applerose

Hi Yvonne. You sound much happier now. I'm glad things are starting to come back together for you. I think if you keep doing what you're doing, you will get there.

lazicat

Life has been a rollercoaster over the last few months. My husband moved out for 2 weeks in August , saying he needed space as he was feeling low and needed time to think. He came back , we carried on as best we could , it wasnt easy , but thought we were getting there , then suddenly he didnt come home one day after work and rang me in the evening to say he was staying at a friends holiday cottage as he needed to be by himself again. I went to pieces and found the 5 weeks he was away very hard. My friends were great and I started to get a life again. At one point I tried to finish our relationship as he still wouldnt make his mind up what he wanted , and he begged me to give him more time to sort himself out. After 5 weeks he came home , still making no promises , but now on antidepressants and waiting for counseling. His mood seems to have improved but he still blows hot & cold with me and wont really talk about anything. I spoke regularly while he was away , infact he made more effort than he does when he's here and we had nights out.
I still dont recognise him as the husband I once had , I know he feels alot of guilt and confusion about everything, he cant bear the hurt he's caused. I feel as though Im in limbo or on a string , he hasnt said if he's staying now or what & I hardly dare ask as dont want to push him away. He was so stressed , depressed and having panic attacks before. At least now he seems happier and the panic attacks have stopped.
He still wont book a holiday as he's not sure he could cope with one yet.
I do believe his affair is completely over, he has so much regret & guilt and doesnt want to hurt me any more or every do it again.
I wish he could see that he is hurting me by not making a decision , but he says he cant as he just doesnt know what he wants, sometimes he wants me , sometimes he doesnt ! I do think he's had a breakdown or midlife crisis.
Im so worried because Im having treatment on my other hip and may infact have another THR , I just dont think he could stand the pressure , or what he see's as pressure to cope with it again , alot of it is in his head I know. I wouldnt be so scared this time I know. At the moment Ive had a steriod injection and have to see my surgeon after 6 weeks to see how it worked & what to do next. I feel in such a delemia & depressed myself. Im trying so hard to put a brave face on , and have been all year. Christmas is comming , I never thought this uncertainty would last this long. Im feeling very sorry for myself tonight !!

barbara12

Hello Yvonne
I read your other post and then this one,..I can understand your anguish..its hard enough, but when you face another op and recovery it must make matter so much worse for you...I know I leaned on my OH so much after mine...
But I honestly think you are getting there...my late mum used to say once is a mistake..I think you have done all you can, and it is so important to keep talking to him...and us that will help you
I do wish you well for the future...xx

tkachev

It is all on his terms at the moment with no consideration for you and your needs. My OH did the same, he needed space etc. I regret giving him that option as I could have moved on sooner.

He wants to see if he can cope without you whereas you are not being given that option. How likely is it that he will just not come home again because he decides he needs space when you have had the THR? You'd be in a right pickle then.

In my opinion he has ad enough chances but obviously you must decide if you can deal with all this uncertainty.

Elizabeth