Absolutely Devastated

kentishlady

Hello. Can understand how you felt about yesterday and I am sure you are glad that it's now over. I lost my lovely Mum many years ago but still find myself wishing she was around so that I could give her a card and present. She died the day after my birthday (at the end of this month) so am not terribly keen on my birthday as it brings back so many memories. I know it seems crazy after all these years but can't help how I feel and know that you can't either. Hope you are feeling a little better today. Beryl. (())

stickywicket

You've had a very emotional few weeks, Yvonne, and it's not surprising, given your family background, that Mothers Day would trigger things. I think sometimes, in times of great upheaval, our emotions just latch onto some event or occasion and kind of pour themselves into it. The good thing is that your own son and daughter clearly appreciate their Mum and you were able to have a nice meal together.

lazicat

Still feeling very up & down, my OA pain has been the same. Had a date night last night at our local Thai , hadnt been there for months , it was nice & quiet, thought we were going to talk, but hubby avoided subject, infact he has been all week, we had a nice time though & some laughs, it all feels very strange though. I actually feel like I dont know him at all now, very sad after 24 years. He hasnt said that he wants us to stay together but hasnt said he doesnt either , just that he needs to be 100% sure as he never wants to hurt me again. I feel in limbo , but Im trying to get on with things & keep normality as best I can , dont know what else to do.
We are off to look at Brighton University with our Daughter in the morning , its a long way for us , quite excited about going , just hope my OA doesnt play up too much, expect I will be stiff by the time we get there. Exciting time for our Daughter, so proud of her , dont think a family day will do my hubby any harm either !
Ive got an appointment to see my Dr next Friday , think I may need something to keep me on an even keel , bit worried about it, pain has been worse which doesnt help. Probably my own fault as Ive been doing alot of cleaning to take my mind of things.

frogmorton

HI Yvonne

Is it an open day at Brighton then? My daughter and step-daughter are doing the interview bit this year. I hope she loves it and as you said hubby will enjoy being part of the family too.

I'm not sure I am surprised that he doesn't want to 'talk' about it anymore. Without wishing to generalise a fair few men don't like 'keep going over' stuff, but we do :? Well I do anyway.

Like you I clean for England if I have any stress or worries. I hope your GP is kind and has an idea what might help you just now.

Love and of course ((()))

Toni xxx

kentishlady

Hi Yvonne. Do hope your day out to view Brighton Uni went well and that the long journey didn't cause you too many pain problems. I really think you are marvellous the way you are coping and just hope all will turn out well for you. Did your daughter like the Uni? Is she looking at any others? Have been there and done that with my Son (some while ago now). We looked at 3 but it was an easy choice and I think sometimes you can just tell by walking around the uni whether it is going to be 'right' or not.

Hope you are now managing to have a nice rest to recover from you journey. Take care. Beryl

tkachev

frogmorton wrote:

HI Yvonne



I'm not sure I am surprised that he doesn't want to 'talk' about it anymore. Without wishing to generalise a fair few men don't like 'keep going over' stuff, but we do :? Well I do anyway.



Toni xxx

I agree with Toni. Men like to tuck things away in a little box and put it on a high shelf and forget about it whereas we Women keep sneaking a peek here and there!


Brighton uni is great. My Daughter went there and loved it. She has stayed on in the town now she has a job. I hope your visit went well.

Elizabeth

maria09

Yvonne
Just popped in to see how you are getting on
Hope you are ok
Maria

kentishlady

Hi Yvonne. Have been wondering how you are getting on. Thinking of you. Take care. Beryl

lazicat

Thanks everyone - Im very up & down , mostly down , everything is such a struggle. Hubby seems to have gone back in his shell & not communicating , wondering what that means , Easter hasnt been the best !

dachshund

Hello Lazicat
thinking of you ((((((((lazicat))))))))
take care
joan xx

applerose

These things usually do take a long time to get sorted out and times like Easter and Xmas always seem worse. I'm sure it will work out for the best in the end.

kentishlady

Hi Lazicat. Have been thinking of you and wondering how you are getting on. Please let us know how you are. Sending some (((()))) in case you are in need of them. Beryl.

lazicat

Still feeling very up & down , its almost 2 months since all this started. My OA has been very painful , think its stress related , mood etc. I seem to be picking up every bug going too !! Im trying to be positive & focused, keep slipping off track.
My husband still hasn't made up his mind if we have a future together , says he needs to be 100% positive he will never do this to me again. Im not sure this is realistic , and wonder if its putting more pressure on.
He's being really nice to me , we've been out a few times , seem closer , he seems very concerned when Im down or upset , guilt I suppose, hope its more than that.
Anyway he hasn't moved out , doesn't seem to want to & a couple of times I suggested it to give him the space he says he needs , he dosent want to go , says its too hasty. We are talking things through though, not all the time , giving each other time to think as well. He finds thinking hard as he's always so busy with work and wont take time off , I think he should. He's always been a workaholic & our marriage has suffered for it at times.
We were supposed to be going away for the weekend to a family party (his) I was really looking forward to it, now he wants our son & daughter to go too, I would of preferred it to be just us , but he says he wants us to go as a family. Im left wondering - is it because he doesn't want to be just with me. I feel so insecure & don't trust what he says anymore.
I know it true the other "woman" is out of the picture socially , just a professional relationship now , I still find that very hard , the working days for me are very long. I have resisted the temptation to pop into work & see her , hard as its on my doorstep. Apparently she is very angry with him , as he lied to her too & has said she feels used. He doesn't love her , or want her , doesn't miss her , nothing , so what on earth was this all about - Mid Life Crisis Perhaps ?
It has destroyed what little self esteem & confidence I had left. I find myself trying to do things to please him , notice me tactics , making sure I don't rock the boat. Im not sure this is how I should be really. He has sat up & taken notice of me, not arguing is definitely helping. I want him with me because he loves me & wants me , not because he feels sorry for me & I don't know how I tell the difference.
Im now dredding the family party , don't know if I can be an actress , but know he will be annoyed if I don't go. We haven't told anyone whats going on, but Im not sure I can be myself & don't know what to do.
Thanks everyone for thinking of me x

maria09

Hi
It's so difficult for you
He should be the one who should be bending over backwards for you
Maybe he should move out to give you some space he's the one who has done wrong not you!!
He may want to go away as a family so he can avoid answering any awkward questions you may have or it just might be wanting family time with you all as he knows he's the one who has done wrong
Here's a thought why don't you book yourself a few days in a spa to be pampered which you definitely deserve it will also give you chance to think things through about what YOU want
I just want to send you a hug ((((HUG)))
Take care of yourself
M

kentishlady

Hi lazicat. Do hope you can manage to get through the weekend ok and that it is not too much of a strain. Have had to cope with similar situation myself - many years ago - so know what it is like. Take care. Will be thinking of you. Sending a few ((())) your way. Beryl.

kentishlady

Hi, Lazicat. Have been thinking of you and wondering how you are getting on. Do hope you are coping ok and that things may have improved. Take care. Beryl. ((()))

lazicat

Thanks everyone for all your support.
I did survive the family party , felt so sad as wasnt sure if it was the last time I would see them , but put on a smiley face. I had a major wobble the following day , couldnt stop crying , it was such a strain & pain was worse as I had been on my feet so much & got very tired. Hubby got really angry until he realised why I was upset, hadnt even occured to him how I would feel being with his family.
Things are still a rollercoater & not completely sorted , still dont know if we have a future together. He just says he's got to be 100% sure he will never do it again & has massive guilt about what he's putting me through. He has said several times about having a few days apart to think by himself without work, me & kids , but he never goes.
At least we are not arguing all the time , hardly ever , we have had a few nice times , but he seems detached alot of the time. I want him to see the Doctor , he wont . think he's bit depressed/stressed/ashamed & he doesnt want counselling, so dont know what else to suggest.
Ive tried to hard to be patient, loving, understanding etc Its 4 months now & I dont feel any closer to a conculsion. I feel so all over the place , my OA has been awful at times , Ive got little motivation & my mood is very low. I just dont know what to do.
Its my daughters 18th next week , so trying hard to get in the spirit of things.

frogmorton

Hi Lazicat

Two of my girls had 18ths this year already, so I know how important it is for them and remember how wonderful yours has been,

It won't be easy, but I am SURE you will make sure she has a great day and good memories of it.

I am so sorry that things are still not settled for you with your husband - you have been so so strong for such a long time...very kind and understanding. I quite agree with you that your husband probably could do with talking to 'someone' and the GP would have been a good start.

Don't forget we are here for you

Love and ((()))

Toni xxx

lazicat

Thanks Toni - Ive been a bit withdrawn & cut myself off lately. Ive found popping in here a real tonic tonight. Hubby is out - drink with a friend after work - its driving me insane , but trying to keep myself together , trust is so difficult. In fairness he hasnt actually been doing much , but he's out tomorrow night running a Kareoke at a friends pub , so two night running feels a bit much. Saturday he's taking me to a cat show in Milton Keynes , my hobby is breeding & showing Siamese , so at least Ive got that to look forward to.
My OA pain isnt great , my other hip is alot worse , stress & upset has taken its toll I think.
Its so nuch to catch up & see what you are all up to.xx

kentishlady

Hello lazicat. Was good to hear news of you as have been wondering how you were getting along. Am sorry that you haven't yet got any resolution to your problems and can really feel for you and hope that you can reach a mutually agreeable decision. I think it might well help for your OH to see and/or talk to someone, but as we all know, men are extremely reluctant to do that. They never seem very good at picking up why you can be upset either, whereas we all understand exactly what you mean.

I hope the 18th birthday celebrations go well. I am sure you will find it a bit of an ordeal but know you will be doing the best you can for your daughters and I am sure they will enjoy the occasion.

Take care and let us know how it all goes. Beryl xx

applerose

I've been wondering how you are. Sorry things are still not resolved. Men are not very good at talking or asking for help, are they? Hope you can enjoy the cat show and your daughter's 18th. Don't forget, we are all here whenever you need to talk.

maria09

Hi
I'm glad you popped back in was a little worried as its a long time since you posted
Enjoy the cat show I would love to go to one
Have a great 18th for your daughter
Then I think you need to tackle him do you think as he hasn't had an ultimatum that he thinks everything will get back to normal if he just plods on
A mans mind is never easy to understand at the best of times
I hope you can get things sorted as I'm sure arthritis will settle down
Best wishes
Maria

stickywicket

It’s good to hear from you, lazicat, but I’m sorry things seem no better and, of course the OA feels worse because pain does take advantage of such circumstances.

It sounds as if you two have got yourselves into a rut – not a comfortable place for either of you but better than how things were and, because it’s slightly better, maybe there’s a reluctance to move on in case the delicate balance is disturbed, hence your husband’s disinclination for counselling.

Could you set aside some time each week to just talk honestly to each other about your feeling on any matters that come up? Men don’t do this as readily as women but he might if he felt it was a ‘safe environment’ where what he said would be accepted without criticism. I also think our menfolk are inclined to feel that we have enough pain in our lives so they shouldn’t ‘burden’ us with their own negative feelings. However, honesty demands negativity at times.

I your husband won’t take a bit of time out on his own, I wonder if he would with a mate? Mine talks out all his problems on the golf course with his three friends.

It sounds as if both of you are quite depressed. Maybe your daughter’s 18th will lift you both. I hope so.

lazicat

Thanks for your wise words SW , really makes sense. We have tried to talk , well I have mostly , but he feels backed into a corner & tries his best to avoid it. I cant make up my mind if he just doesnt want to be with me anymore & doesnt want to hurt me or really is "lost". He has got very upset when we've talked about seperating & has said this is the hardest time he's ever faced in his life & just doesnt know what he wants or feels. Its so sad.
Ive been into Town today to get a few bits for my daughters birthday, really struggling to walk , the pain is just awful & I feel so upset & drained.
Im really hoping one day I will come on here with happy news, it certainly isnt for the want of trying.

applerose

It's not surprising you feel the way you do. I think maybe now you need to tell your husband that you need to move on one way or the other. Tell him you need to talk to him and he needs to talk back and get things sorted out. And you will one day come on here with good news. I know it might seem a long way off but it will come. Really it will. (((hugs)))