Absolutely Devastated

lazicat

Thank-you everyone for being so kind & supportive.

stickywicket

At a guess, I'd say the shaking is delayed shock, lazicat. When my kids were young I was always great in a crisis: it was only later that I started with the shakes.

Again, I think you're doing everything right by acknowledging your real feelings. Of course you're confused. So much has been done, and said, in such a short time. It takes the head some time to get used to things and it's best not to rush it by trying to force decisions, conclusions or even emotions.

Men are not good at talking about feelings. I don't find it odd that he didn't talk to you about his especially if he felt life was tough enough for you at the time without the added burden of his own problems. He is talking about feelings now though and that's good.

I agree that a day on your own might be a good thing right now. If, at any time, you want some company, we are here. ((()))

maria09

He was probably in denial
It is difficult to watch some one you love in so much pain and unable to help
But it does not excuse what he did to you
Do you have any family you could stay with for a couple of days so you can get your head together
Maria

villier

Hi Lazicat

No wonder you are in pain physically and emotionally youhave been through the mill, at least everything is all out in the open now, it is good today you are getting some breathing space to start trying to get your head round things, take things at your pace he at least owes you that. Maybe once you get your head round this you would maybe be up for couple counselling, my thoughts are with you, I know how much hurt you are going through, take care pet you know we are all here for you...............Marie xx

LignumVitae

I'm with delayed shock for the shaking too - I had a nasty break up experience which didn't quite involve the police (only because my friend who came to get me was scarier than the police), rode high for a couple of weeks from getting out of a bad place and then went into a series of panic attacks, the body and mind are amazing at controlling things when they need to and then pressing the release trigger when they know they can.

It sounds positive that you are talking and being open. I am not surprised he didn't talk about his feelings, he probably didn't even acknowledge them to himself, just went down a path which seemed a logical escape from something not feeling right.

A bit of time apart and a bit of looking after yourself in terms of doing something nice to help you think things through, even if it is just enjoying the sunshine, sounds like a positive plan. My friend would advocate that you book yourself into a fancy hotel for the night - I prefer my home comforts so would get him to book into a basic hotel.

I am really pleased that you are talking and I hope you both come to a solution that suits you and that you can feel comfortable with. To mix up a couple of sayings, Rome wasn't built in a day but every journey begins with a single step and it sounds like you have taken a step.

Good luck with the next step whatever that may be.
Love and hugs, LV xx

ShulaArcher

Hi

Very pleased to hear about your husband's decision. Men under stress are more prone to respond to a flirtatious woman and I expect, from what you described, this is what happened.

It's going to take time and you need to take care of yourself. The shock is one of the biggest anybody can experience and it's not surprising if the effects come and go for a while.

Shula

frogmorton

Hi Lazicat

I just popped by to check how you are doing. So far I think you seem to be doing well as a couple....communicating well. It's good he is talking to you and taken the right steps re her. Apologising to your daughter must have been hard for him too.

Please take care and talk to us lot any time you want to. We aren't there with you and you might usually be the person others go to, but we do care.

Love and ((()))

Toni xxx

stickywicket

Morning lazicat. I'm just sending a top up. ((()))

lazicat

Hi Everyone.
Just a quick update to let you know that Im ok. Had a peaceful evening , watched tv together , had some sleep , he brought me cup of tea this morning before work & is trying very hard.
To me it all seems very surreal & Im so confused. Im trying to stay as calm as I can & gather my strength & thoughts. Quiet day today again & the sun is shinning so going to get some fresh air.
Tomorrow is his day off , so not sure what that will bring, he thinks we should talk some more , not sure if Im ready yet. Ive suggested if the weather is nice we go & sit in the park or beach somewhere quiet.
If I forgive him & carry on Im worried what that teaches my daughter, I would hate her to think women should accept things like that. Perhaps Im just being silly. Im lucky that we are very close & I can talk to her about anything & she comes to me with her teenage dilemas, bless her !!
It was very hard for him to apologise to her, and for her to hear what he's done, but Im so glad he did & I respect him for that.
My OA pain is alot worse today, so taking things easy, housework can wait.
The thing that just keeps comming back into my mind however awful & sad I feel , so does he & I know his behavoiur is completely out of character & against his principals.
I think counselling may be a good idea , dont want to rush into it, think we need to feel ready , so going to wait for the dust to settle before I broach the subject as I dont know how he would feel about it.
Thanks again everyone , its a comfort to know that Im being thought about.
xx Yvonne

maria09

Hi
It's up to you how slowly you take it
And take your time you have lost all the trust in him and that's the difficult part
to get over it can be done but can take years
You have all our support on here and if you need to pm anyone of us Im here for you
Take care and be kind to yourself
Maria

barbara12

Hi Yvonne
You do what you thinks is right....having OA wont help in the matter....it can cloud your judgment...
We are all here for you xx

tkachev

You have to decide whether your 24 years together is worth salvaging. He let you and the children down but at least he admits it. He genuinely sounds very sorry for the pain he is causing you.

Counselling would help you to decide whether you can move on,

Elizabeth (got the T-shirt)

dreamdaisy

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Men don't talk that easily about feelings but he does seem to be making an effort to sort things out but, as has been said, it isn't something that's going to happen overnight. I think that by forgiving you would be showing your daughter a good example about love and what it can mean; it's not only hearts, roses and romance it can also include hurt, pain and distress. Love is also about communication and that was something that didn't happen for far too long between you and he. It's not too late to repair things but it will be a long process. DD

stickywicket

Thanks for the update, Yvonne. I’m glad you had a peaceful evening. That, in itself, is an improvement and will all help with the healing process.

‘Surreal’ sounds the perfect description to me of how things must seem. Of course you’re still confused. I hope the sunshine helps a little.

I think it’s good that he wants to talk more but I also think this should be your call. Don’t be pressured into things too quickly. Time is your friend.

As for your daughter – I think DD’s advice on forgiveness and real love as opposed to the sentimental kind is spot on. Real love is tough. It doesn’t crumble easily. However, forgiveness can’t be willed in overnight. These things all take time. Maybe, when the time is right, you could involve your daughter and son in a ‘talking session’ (for lack of a better word).

It will keep coming back into your mind. Of course it will. There can’t be anything bigger in your life right now. That’s normal. Stress affecting arthritis is, unfortunately, also quite normal so that was a good decision to take things easy. I hope you’ve managed it.

villier

Hi Yvonne

Just to say I'm thinking of you, glad to see you are taking things at your pace, as I said in an earlier post I think huddy at least owes you that, chin up pet you will find the strength to get through this and you know we are all here for you any time.....tc........Marie xx

lazicat

Thanks again everyone.
Yesterday was his day off , we talked & talked , tears & sadness for both of us. Things are clearer in my mind now , still dont know what the future holds or how I will feel as time goes on.
It actually isnt as bad as I had imagined, no great love affair , just casual & only seen her 5 times in 4 months. Why any woman would settle for that is beyond me !! She hasnt tried to contact him again either. She actually isnt a problem to me , he doesnt love her , but why he felt the need to do this is. Mid Life Crisis perhaps ........ he's 48 ?
Ive has 24 good years of a very loyal & supportive husband who always adored me & the kids, great life & home.
Things changed in last couple of years my OA & Recession as he's a Financial Advisor/Mortgage Consultant & we've been hit very hard and our life has changed dramatically. He feels a failure & very low , I know that now, he hadnt wanted to burden me with his feelings when I was in so much pain with OA & he could see everyday was a struggle for me. So he kept his feelings, thought & unhappiness to himself & kept his usual happy smilley face for me.
I cry for him having to do that ...... heartbreaking for me.
So now at least I sort of understand how this awful situation came about. I wish he had chosen to just go to the pub & get smashed instead !!!!
I never felt he was letting us down , just got on with things as best I could , life is cruel, what an awful time for OA to strike as well. Then he had an accident in June & hurt his shoulder which resulted in an operation in September (my THR was July) he feels that broke the camels back & he fell apart. Why it had to result in another women I dont understand.
I cant be angry with him.
He not sure if he can live with the fact he's let us all down including himself, if we stay together, but he has love & loyalty for me.
What a sad, sad situation.
Im just going to carry on letting him talk & see where it takes us.
Im calmer now cause things are clearer, so sad & heartbroken.
Being able to vent on here & have suggestions & support has been a massive comfort to me.
Thanks Everyone x Yvonne

kentishlady

Hi Lazicat. Am so sorry to hear your news and, yes I do know how you feel as the same thing happened to me many years ago - my ex went to work abroad and waltzed off with someone else and left me and the children to cope. I know it is so hard but you will eventually find the strength to cope. I don't know if you have children but sometimes(?) they can help you to focus a little.

If you would like to PM me, please do so as I know how much it helps to talk to someone, especially if they have been through the same situation themselves.

Take care of yourself and remember that we are all here for you whenever you want and/or need to chat.

Lots of ((()))

Beryl

stickywicket

lazicat wrote:

Im just going to carry on letting him talk & see where it takes us.

We all agree on the need to 'talk' but often fall short ourselves. Men do find talking about feelings - especially feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness - much harder than women. It's all too easy for couples to drift into not doing this, usually for very good reasons eg not wanting to 'burden' the other.

I think you're dealing brilliantly with a very bad situation, Yvonne. Just keep doing what you're doing.

lazicat

He says Ive been amazing & Coping brilliantly too !!!! By not getting angry its allowing him to talk , if not we wouldnt get anywhere. Im talking too & he's listening.
We are now going to take a bit of time to think before we talk about things again. He's at work the next two days anyway.
Im having my hair cut & coloured later , which will occupy a bit of time & give me a boost , may have something a bit different even !
I dont feel the need to confide in a friend or anyone at the moment, as dont want people to think badly of him , he doesnt deserve that.
Ive had 24 amazing years , alot of people never have that.
My mind is in turmoil , not all the time though , trying to keep calm. If anyone had told me I would be able to do this I would never of believed them , seem to have found an inner strength somewhere.
It would be easy to focus on negatives , but I would like to concentrate on positives for now.
Trust is an issue that will be hard I know ...... but dont need to look that far ahead yet. As he said last night in a week or two I may feel differently to how I do now, but dont think so at the moment.
We have alot to loyalty & love for each other , and thats worth fighting for.
Thanks again everyone & Thanks Stickywicket for keep popping in.
Im going to try to have a rest now before I have my hair done.
Bye for now x

dreamdaisy

Yes, he has let you down, and your children but also himself. He's been a loyal husband for far longer than he was a dis-loyal and that needs to be borne in mind. It was hardly an all-out affair but it will take time for the hurt to heal over and for him to forgive himself. It's not an easy time for all of you but he and you are attacking this in the right way, you're talking, listening and I think your inner strength is coming from the fact that you are not willing to lose your marriage over this - you ARE remembering your good 24 years. As for the hair - go pink. Why not? DD

ShulaArcher

Hi Yvonne

Good for you. I expect you will feel better after having your hair done.

You're so good at describing what's happened/is happening and how you feel. Yes, you've said a lot when you said your husband didn't love the other woman. He loves you. That's the key to focus on, isn't it?

Thinking of you
Shula

frogmorton

Hi Lazicat

Well I am glad you have had your hair done - you look good you feel better I think.

I am so glad we are helping you to 'talk' things through and I hope you will keep doing that as long as you want to. I quite understand you keeping it from close friends and maybe family as they are very likley to judge him and it's easier if bridges dont have to be built there too.

When my kids' Dad was doing allsorts, drinking, debt, other womEN and not working I told very few people.

I think you are rather amazing too - although if you do get angry that would be ok too. I also wanted to say that I think you are showing your daughter a fabulous example by not giving up on your marriage without careful consideration.

Take care

Love

Toni xxx

lazicat

Had my hair done & it looks great , not pink though DD. You made me laugh !!
Thanks for your advice Toni , am bit worried about my Daughter but your thoughts make sense.
I feel exhausted & in pain with my OA tonight & grumpy , but hey-ho tomorrows another day. Im going to the shops with my Daughter & will try to have lunch somewhere, havent really eaten anything this week. It was her suggestion to still go out as we had planned in her half term & think it will do me good, she's great company.
Hubbys tired tonight too , watched the football with our son , said my hair looked nice, thats about it.
Thanks again , its really helping me to put my thoughts down on here. Im sure you will be sick of my saga soon !!

stickywicket

No, we won’t be sick of it either soon or later. The one thing we can do well for each other on here is give support. I think we’ve all received it when we needed it, Yvonne, so we’re glad to be able to give some, too.

I’m not surprised your arthritis is playing up. I think that’s probably inevitable. However, the meal with your daughter sound like a good idea and, hey, your hair looks great

I’m 100% with frogmorton. Whatever your final decision you have shown your daughter the importance of marriage and how it is not to be tossed aside lightly. She’s a lucky young woman.

MerryChapman

It'll take time and lots of communicating but you can both get through it. We went through something very similar about four years ago but it was more related to becoming parents than about OA (although OA and parenting don't always go well together as you already know!).

I hope you feel better in always, you're incredibly strong xxxx