Absolutely Devastated

frogmorton

Yvonne you are so so right - no-one knows how they would respond really until they themselves are in that position.

If splitting up is the right thing to do in the end only you can decide and I think time will tell. You are in my opinion doing the right thing not being too hasty. Your marriage could be stronger for this in the future down the line - you never know.

I am so glad you have had such a good weekend and some fun with friends...you deserve that.

The thing you keep coming back to is the woman is at his work. I hope you have been able him just how hard it is for you knowing he has to see her daily.

Yvonne - you take care. You know we are all here for you now as you will be for any of us.

love

Toni xxx

tkachev

lazicat wrote:

Thanks Everyone.


I think its very easy to say - I would never put up with that , I would walk away if it happened to me , Ive said that in the past. I actually feel completely different to how I would of expected now Im faced with it. Sadness is the worst thing, but I know I can put it behind me, as long as its the right thing for both of us. There's a long way to go I know.
Thanks again everyone
x Yvonne

We on the forum have to be careful not to sway you in a direction you do not want to go. we would all respond differently if in a similar situation. It has to be a decision you feel happy with.



I do agree that he owes it to you to go to relate. I think he is eager to put it all behind him and forget it and move on but that is not going to be easy for you especially as they are still working together.

I'm glad you had a lovely weekend,

Elizabeth

dreamdaisy

Marriages are peculiar things thanks ( most probably) to the individual peculiarities of the two involved. From reading through one thing strikes me; it would appear that you both have lost your sense of self-esteem thanks to differing circumstances. The only ones who can change that are yourselves. It seems that you ceased to value each other and surely you need to re-establish that essential part of the relationship. The recession hit him, OA hit you. I hope you can sort it out because neither is worth the loss of each other. DD

Fitzroy

Greetings everyone, It's been a while since I visited and posted and this is the first post I read. Same thing happened to me. Except it was my wife with the affair. Bloody disgraceful really. IMHO there is no excuse. On the other hand it's not a simple matter of just saying adios and leaving. Life is hugely complicated and deserves more than a quick knee jerk reaction. I've confided in a friend and have gotten what I consider the stereotypical advice which is to leave as quickly as possible. Kids will be fine. i don't buy that for a second. Nobody will be fine.

lazicat

Im so sorry for you Fitzroy , know how you must be feeling. I think its even harder for a man to understand & accept when its done to them. I agree there is no excuse whoever it is & in an ideal world should never happen.
For me though, I know we have have very extreme curcumstances for a long period of time, which has caused a huge difference to our lives. Stress & loss of self worth are very distructive, lead to lack of comminication & people becomming very distant. It has helped me to look at the possible causes leading up to the affair & Im fairly certain it wouldnt have happened if our lives had been our "old lives" if that makes sense. I have had a very lovely, kind , supportive husband, who would of always given me anything.
I think if I couldnt dig deep & look at the whole picture , our marriage wouldnt stand a chance. Love is very important , but to get through this there has to be understanding & acceptance for both of us , to understand how we got to this situation from both of our perspectives.
Its not easy , today I feel very down , very alone & so sad. He's at work , she's there & I cant bear the thought of it , however much he assures me its over & wont happen again. I wonder how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Thing is jobs are difficult to get at the moment , we are getting back on our feet , he's happy in his work & thats what gives us a future , so nothing can be done hastily. Im proud of how he has picked himself up, from a very dark place when we lost everything in the recession & got on with it, which I know was to make a new & good life for us.
Try & dig deep & look at both sides, however hard it is, you may find it will help you Fitzroy. Also try to talk calmly without arguing, do it when the kids are asleep or out, have a bottle of wine & a meal & sit at the table & listen to each other. It really does help. Good luck , I hope you find the best solution for yourself , it will take time & dont listen to anyone who says just walk away , you have children to think of & yourself too , dont do something you may regret later. I think its better to take time & try , you wont loose anything by doing that & you may gain an awful lot. Take care Fitzroy & Good Luck.
X Yvonne

maria09

Hi Yvonne
Just popped in to see how you are doing
You are really brave
Couldn't you meet your husband for lunch sometime I don't mean meet him at work but maybe in a coffee bar that easy for you to get to
I really do hope you manage to make it work he should realise how lucky he is to have you
Take care
Maria

lazicat

SW - you make so much sense ! Thank-you.
My OA was just another pressure on top of everything thing else , not completely to blame, he doesnt look at me differently , I know that now at least , as we have talked alot. It just added to his stress as he had to do so much more to help when he felt on overload anyway. Then he had his accident & was then doing everything in extreme pain waiting for his own operation. He isnt a person who stops working unless he is really forced & carried on working apart from a couple of weeks after both our operations. He was so tired & in pain himself as well as stressed, I know that. He says his own accident broke the camels back !

lazicat

Maria - yes I have thought of that & may well do that, next week. I do pop into the office occassionally, but dont feel I can face that just yet , but I will at some point when there is a need to, it isnt me who should feel ashamed !!

lazicat

Just had a nice surprise - hubby popped home for a quick lunch, between appointments , something he never does. Think we talked it up Maria !!
............ Anyway its made me feel brighter.

lazicat

DD - thanks for your support & for popping in , it means alot.
The recession knocked me for six too , changed my life completely , been a hard blow to take , we lost everything and have been trying to rebuild a home & a life. It hasnt been easy for either of us, but being the main provider much harder for him. He had worked so hard to give us a good life & nice home - although he is very work driven it had always been to provide.
Like I said he's a lovely man & a good husband, worth fighting for.

lazicat

......... But if the affair restarts or isnt over like he's assured me , then I will walk away , at the moment I feel Ive still got my dignity & I will not loose sight of that.

lazicat

Apparently today "she" has said that when another upward position comes available within the company in a different office , she will apply, as she understands how I feel about them working together. She is ambitious, maybe that has played a part too.

lazicat

OA really playing up today , so painful, actually slept well last night though , memory foam mattress topper is a godsend. So at least I dont feel so tired, just very achey, like Ive been run over by a steamroller.
At least the sun is shinning , its a beautiful day here , lets hope it lasts.

Fitzroy

Lazicat, It ain't over till the fat lady sings. I have followed that philosophy with all of life's little and not so little problems. For me I went into complete turmoil about three and half years ago. I developed so many problems I couldn't work and yes the family stress was through the roof. I had OA badly in right hip. I needed a cane to walk and only barely. I had bad neck and back problems from accidents, two frozen shoulders (so painful) and so little range of motion I couldn't cross my arms, put on a shirt properly or damn near anything plus a right elbow bursitis that would allow me to bend my arm only about 30 degrees and of course hurt like nuts. Ask me if I was "my old self". But you know, I absolutely expected my wife to pull up the slack. I felt like giving up but I didn't and I still refuse to. I think it's very good that you may be able to get a relationship back with your husband. I on the other hand feel it may be a near zero chance that I can. My wife has acted completely awful during this mess. I have in all regards been abused, and at a time when I could least respond. My forgiveness only goes so far. But I know that my daughter needs her and I need my daughter so I stay.

kentishlady

Hi Lazicat. Glad to hear that you enjoyed your weekend as much as possible. You are doing so well and I so hope that everything will work out for you. Have been thinking of you as I really do know what it's like - as went through it all myself, although mine didn't have the 'happy' ending. Take care of yourself and do hope your OA will settle down a little soon. Beryl ((()))

nearlybionic

Hi Lazicat
Sorry I haven`t posted on here for you for a few days but I have not been on the forum until today. I am sorry to see you had another revelation, but you seem to be trying to keep talking to each other, not easy I know. My hubby was made redundant 2 years ago and is now self employed, which is very up and down. I agree with what has been said about your husband`s work/employment issues having had an effect on his self esteem and self image too. Maybe he was just flattered by the attention he got from this woman, at a time when he was feeling bad about himself. (NOT an excuse I k now, but maybe an explanation)
I think it wasd DD who said that marriage is a peculiar thing, and this is very true, no two are the same!!
I hope that when you are feeling emotionally and physically ready to do so, that Relate can help you both, you seem to have a lot to fight for.
Take care xx
NB

stickywicket

Keep doing what you're doing, lazicat. It seems to be going as well as can be expected.

Thelaststarfighter

Hi lazicat,

Been following your posts and really admire your determination to keep your marriage together.
It would be easy to walk away but you did the right thing.

Keep the chin up and feel good about yourself, you didn't do anything wrong!

Love TLSF xo

frogmorton

Hi Yvonne

Just popping by to see how you are.

I see two pieces of good news 1) 'she' will move on as soon as a chance appears - good!

2) your husband had the insight to come home and see you in the day. I BET that helped you feel more reassured

You take care I am still thinking of you

Love
Toni xxx

lazicat

Feeling much brighter today. still very tired, OA pain has settled down, so thats a big help.
Looking forward to tomorrow, hubby's day off as he's working saturday. Planning to take the dog to the beach if the weather is reasonable & a pub lunch , if not just lunch or tea out & a couple of drinks.
Im finding the work days very long & hard to cope with , but know Ive got to put up with it for now. He popped home yesterday again for a cup of tea before going to a 6pm appointment , which was nice. I havent asked him to keep checking in , but he is. I have to trust him as his job is office based as well as being out & about to other offices & peoples homes. I refuse to be the wife who constantly stressing over where he is. Ive told him I wont be that person & I will trust him to do his job, knowing she is there, & I hope he wont let me down ! We have to live , so he has to go to work , simple as that.
My daughter is very raw over it all & has avoided talking to him, she says she is so disapointed in him & has nothing to say. She says she cant believe that he's bouncing around as if nothings happened !
Ive told her he's still her dad & he loves her & he knows he's hurt her too, so he's trying to make things ok.
She had some good news today , got a result for first half of one of her A levels & she got an A - Im so proud of her !!
Hope there are not any more revalations to come , that would be awful , cant keep going through the mill.
I know there's a long way to go yet , but we a talking & calm & hopefully will be able to stay that way regardless what the future holds.
Thanks everyone for being there , really helped me to have somewhere to pour this all out.

stickywicket

I hope you manage a nice day out today. (You wouldn't here. It's pretty horrible :roll: ) I guess a nice day in together would be better than nothing though.

Your daughter needs time. Young people are very idealistic. She will adjust. And what a great exam result! Maybe you could all celebrate it together.

maria09

Hi
Hope you manage to get out yesterday
Well done to your daughter my sons As results were not very good oops!
She will find it difficult as she will feel betrayed too and it will hurt her for a long time to come
How about doing something as a family or do you think it's too soon for her?
I am so impressed with your strength and courage
I don't think I would be
Take care maria

Thelaststarfighter

Hi lazicat,

I am so glad your keeping well, you need to be commended for the way you have got through this ordeal.

Your daughter has gone very well and you should be very proud of her.

Keep doing what your doing, your a star!

TLSF xo

lazicat

Had the most awful day yesterday , totally fell to pieces and still feel very fragile & wobbly today.
Mothers Day is very bittersweet for me , I didnt really have one , she left me when I was 3 months old and I lost my wonderful mother in law several years ago, really need her right now. It just added to my problems.
My son is away, but sent me chocolates , my daughter gave me a lovely card & present & we had a take away curry for tea once I had managed to pull myself together.
I cannot put into words how I feel , never thought I could feel so emotional !

maria09

Hi
I wish I could do something to help you
Sending you a big ((((HUG))))
Maria