Absolutely Devastated

kentishlady

Hello Yvonne. Do hope the hairdo/makeover has helped to make you feel a little better. Can well understand all your feelings and it has brought back to me all that I went through to. Just take one day at a time and see how you both feel. I hope that whatever you decide will be the right decision for you all. My thoughts are with you. Do take care of yourself and remember to let us all know how you are getting on. OA is such a beast, isn't it. Lots of gentle ((())) coming your way. Beryl.

lazicat

Had a lovely day with my daughter , managed to do a little shopping & had lunch out , the first time Ive eaten properly all week.
Feeling very tired , but cant sleep & very wobbly tonight.
Hubby got home from work about 8pm, had been in touch during the day. He seems absolutely fine , he's working tomorrow & then out in the evening which Im dredding. I could go , but it will look like Im checking up on him if I do. Dont know what to do.
Any ideas anyone ?

MerryChapman

Be honest with him and tell him how you feel about him going out and why. What is he doing to reassure you and regain your trust? Xxxx

frogmorton

Hi Lazicat

What I said about your daughter is true - many give up on relationships these days too easily. Forgiveness is an important quality.

As for him going out tonight I think. Maybe he can compromise a bit. Good out for slightly less time than usual and text you in the middle of the evening???

Merry is right - honesty is the best policy....I am sure he will realise your trust won't return overnight.

Love and ((()))

Toni xxx

stickywicket

It's great that you had a good time with your daughter and were able to eat properly. I think you're bound to get 'the wobbles' from time to time and they'll probably hit at unexpected moments.

I'm with the others re tonight. Honesty is the best policy and, from all you've written, I'm sure he'll understand your fears. Go with him if you want to. If not, explain how you feel and work out, together, what will make you feel better.

kentishlady

Hope you can manage to sort out a suitable 'compromise' about tonight. Can quite understand how you must feel, I would be the same. As the others say it's a question of trust and your trust in him as been well and truly battered, for want of a better expression. Think you are doing so well in the circumstances. Just take it slowly and see how things go. Glad the hair do went well and you enjoyed your outing with your daughter. Take care. Beryl ((()))

Jenno

Hi lazicat

I've just read your message and the main thing I can say is 'life is always worth living'. please do not let what that shallow man has done to you ruin the rest of your life. My husband passed away after 26 years together and its a massive shock to be part of a longstanding couple then thats gone. I was 47 when I was widowed and thought that I would spend the rest of my life alone and then I met a wonderful man, he is so good to me even when I'm in absolute agony with my OA and it's making me ratty! I know that my situation is different from yours and I'm not saying that finding another man is necessarily the right answer for you, but moving on with your life is, and do not blame yourself for any reason whatsoever. Just think that you're starting your life anew with your new body and a new sense of being alive. It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight but hang on in there
Jenny

LignumVitae

Your daughter sounds like wonderful therapy, making sure you get a bit of time out. You have shown her so much, forgiveness is easily lost sometimes and being able to control the hurt, jealousy and other emotions so that you can find it in your heart to forgive is a powerful thing. You should be very proud of yourself for that. She will have learned so much from you.
I hope you found a way to do whatever is best for you tonight. I think it is fine to check up on him a bit if it makes you feel more comfortable and secure and the way you two have managed to be honest and communicate I reckon he would probably understand.
As for the arthritis, it always loves to kick a gal when she is down. It thrives on bad times, a bit of being gentle to yourself and being honest enough to say to your family that you are struggling might mean you get the support and time you need to make Mr Arthritis back down.
I wish you all the best, I think it is an amazing tribute to you as a person and the strength you have to see how far you have come in a week. You're quite clearly a superstar of a person!
Big hugs, love LV xx

applerose

I've just found this and can't really add anything to the good advice and support you've already had. it's good that you are talking about things and that should help you decide what you want to do. As has been said, your daughter has learned a good lesson, that love isn't always easy and that marriage shouldn't just be thrown away if something goes wrong. You seem to be coping really well. It will take a while for the pain to ease. As for you OH, he does need to re-earn your trust and respect. I hope he has understood how you feel about him going out tonight and has reassured you. Whatever route you choose to take will be the right one for you at this moment.

frogmorton

Hi Lazicat

I am hoping to hear you coped ok with last night and that all went well.

Thinking of you still

Love

Toni xxx

villier

Sorry Yvonne missed yesterdays post, hope you managed to get the situation sorted out, as the others have said trust won't return in an instance he will have to work hard to gain that trust back, you will have to talk to him and tell him exactly how you are feeling, just keep rememberig you have done nothing wrong.
Love the new hairstyle I am so glad you kept your lunch date with your daughter she sounds amazing and I am sure is a tower of strength to you, you are an amazing woman coping the way you have and being so positive, keep going the way you are and I'm sure everything will be resolved in the near future, take care thinking of you......................Marie ((((())))) x

maria09

Hi lazikat
Just popped in to see how you are
Keep strong
Maria

lazicat

Hi Everyone
Thanks for your amazing support & comments.
Saturday night was hard. I said how I felt & could of gone if I wanted to , but I had to pick my daughter up from work at 10pm.
My hubby used to be a Pontins Blue Coat many years ago & still likes to do the odd "Gig" , he was at a friends pub Saturday night running a Kareoke Night for a local football club. He does this about once a month & sometimes they are Charity nights or Race Nights.
Women have always found him attractive as he's funny, tall dark & handsome, but had always just had eyes for me. I have had to be very trusting, women have always been attracted to what the see on stage or in the limelight.
He txt me during the evening to tell me how it was going & what time he would be home.
I passed the pub when I picked my daughter up & it looked very busy. I had told him that I might pop in if I felt like it , but decided not to. I may go next time though.
Then when I got home I decided to have some me time , music on , bath & pampering time. He got home about 2am & was full of what a good night it had been.
Sunday was very much family time , so really we havent managed to talk any more. I slept in Sunday morning as was really tired.
I woke up in the night & couldnt stop crying & feel so tearful today. Im all by myself. Hubby just rang to see how I was, which was nice. He says he doesnt want to hurt me again & needs to be sure that he will never do anything like this again & really needs to sort his head out as he never thought he would do anything like that & its shocked him too. I still dont know what the future holds for us , we do need to talk more I know.
He says he loves me though , but is that enough ? Our lives have changed so much over the last 2 years.

maria09

It's still early days and feels raw it will take time
Only you can decide if your marriage is worth working for
Just take you time you don't want to rush into doing anything you may regret
Don't forget we are here for you and you can rant and rave as much as you like
You seem like a strong lady not sure I would be in your situation
Look after yourself
Maria

lazicat

My marriage is worth fighting for Maria. I dont know if Im strong enough , would of been before OA took its toll in last 2 years , feel as though Ive been knocked from all angles. One thing Im sure of though is that we do love each other very much , sadly that isnt always enough . Im practical & realistic !
I dont feel as strong this week now the shock is wearing off.
I know its going to take time & there's no hurry to make decisions, may even try relate if we need to.

stickywicket

You managed Saturday night. It must have been stressful but you did it. It’s good that you had some family time on Sunday.

I’m sorry you’re so tearful today, lazicat. I guess this is going to be one of those things that creeps up on you at unexpected moments. It’s natural. I’ve always found I cope well in a crisis but, when the crisis is over, I tend to fall apart. Emotionally, you must be wiped out by now. Don’t ask too much of yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I never had myself down as an old romantic but, actually, I think love is enough. It finds its own ways and levels if just given room for manoeuvre.

Relate might be a good move. What does your husband think of that?

kentishlady

Glad you got through Saturday night ok. I think it is quite understandable that you feel the way you do and I really do so hope it will all work out in the best way possible for you both. I am glad your daughter is being so supportive. Remember we are all always here whenever you feel like posting. Do take care of yourself. Sending gentle ((())) and thinking of you so much.

Beryl

lazicat

SW - I think he would go to Relate if we need to , have mentioned it to him & didnt seem to be a problem. He says he doesnt feel like talking to anyone yet, as he feels so ashamed of himself for the hurt he's caused.
He's got a full weekend off next weekend , we may have a night out or meal in , kids are both away for weekend so we will have some space, doesnt often happen with teenagers.
I hadnt said anything about how Im feeling today , he's "checked in" several times during day by txt & called as well , so is trying to put my mind at rest. I havent asked him to do that, so its nice he's thinking of me.
I know nothings going to be resolved or get back to "normal" overnight, trust will take time as well. Im hopeful we can get through this.
Im shocked how many other people have been through this !!

dreamdaisy

It is going to take time and both of you have a way to go yet. I too think that love is enough (it has been for me and 'im indoors so far, my arthritis started the year we got married) but we'd been together nine years before that, which I think stood us in good stead. Wedding vows carry that dread phrase 'in sickness and in health' (never the other way around) which I reckon shows that health is a doddle to deal with whereas the other isn't.

I think he is doing his best to reassure you by texting etc and that is something to be appreciated but that is not going to be easy to do. I am pleased you will be able to have some personal time next week-end, make the best of it that you can but try not to put each other under any undue stress about it, just do your bests to be 'comfortable' with each other. (We'll be behind the sofa cheering you both on. ) Look after yourself. DD

kentishlady

Just popped in to say 'Hi' and hope you are feeling a little better today. Am still thinking of you. Do hope all will turn out well for you. Beryl

lazicat

Feeling really low, hubby is carring on as though nothing has happened, almost like we've talked about it , put it to bed & lets move on. He's really busy at work, so doesnt have much time to think really.
My daughter is back at college so Im by myself with all the time in the world to think unfortunately !

LignumVitae

Hello

I understand how that all makes you feel a bit low. I think the husband behaving like it is done is a bit of two things - he is busy at work and generally, in my experience, men tend to be good at focusing on one thing at once so if work is demanding his attention then that will be where his attention seems to be strongest at the moment.

I do wonder as well if rather than he is carrying on as if it's all done he is actually doing the other male thing (in my experience) of going away and processing it in his own time and way. I had an issue with a family member who was being dishonest at the weekend and I had to explain to my Dad (who she was targetting with her dishonesty in a bid to dig for gold) what was happening. It wasn't my place to do it other than I needed him to be aware of the full situation rather than be fleeced. My Dad passed no comment, said nothing and is carrying on as normal, however, I can see that he is being a lot more conversational with me (normally conversation revolves around what projects I am working on with my job and football). He is working away and shocked me by telling me he would miss me. I think that is his way of saying he is grateful for what I said and is now going to process things. Men aren't always good at continually talking things through and trying to solve a problem whilst women are. We tend to dwell on it (I am currently annoying Mr LV at still being annoyed with said relative despite having done everything I really can now). Men tend to act like it is over but really, it is just them trying to find a way forward rather than keep coming back to the same thing.

I wonder if now would be a good time to take a more formal approach. You have done the initial talking and agreed (I think) that you want to work together, maybe a bit of counselling or marriage guidance could help you both air things and find that route to where you want to be?

Having time on your hands won't be helping you as, like I am, you are probably chewing over your situation. I know I find myself doing that and have to stop myself, sometimes even saying out loud 'think of something else'. Read a book, work on a project, watch a film or something but give yourself a bit of space and don't let things eat you up or you will make things harder for yourself. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I just know I do similar and have to stop myself.

Good luck, lots of love and hope coming your way from me. LV xx

stickywicket

I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were. I guess this is always going to be a 'two steps forward and one step back' route. I really can't add much to what LV has said. She's spot on. Planet bloke is a strange place. They do things and think things differently. Plus, if he's at work, he has to have at the very least divided attention which you, being alone at home, don't.

I also agree with LV that now might be a good time to think about counselling. Apart from the obvious benefits it would keep him focused on the relationship but with someone neutral setting the agenda. Take care.

villier

Hi Yvonne

I'm with LV and SW, maybe now is the time for the counselling, in my own experience thats exactly what happened to me, my ex was the same he thought once we had spoken that was it, he wouldn't entertain counselling at least your OH has said he is up for it, unfortunately my marriage wasn't worth fighting for, you have indicated yours is so I think it is time to take the next step. Is there somthing you could maybe take up as a hobby?...............tc....................Marie xx

dreamdaisy

Yup, that's a boy thing. I remember taking in a male friend whose marriage had exploded because he'd had a fling (which led to a baby being born) and for about four hours he cried and sobbed and talked and cried again. I warned Mr DD that he would be walking into an emotional maelstrom (and he did, poor bloke!) but then, all of a sudden our mate gave a huge sniff, announced there was footy on the telly and he'd treat us to a Chinese. It was as though the previous hours hadn't happened.

You are bound to be sitting and thinking and thinking and sitting but after a while this will ease, you cannot force yourself to avoid it as such - just go with the flow. DD